I went to see my VSG doctor last month about my gallbladder. They took my weight when I got there, on one of those little scales that you hold with your hands and stand on with bare feet and it tells you your BMI and everything.
Sooooo… before we even began speaking about my gallbladder issues the first 20 minutes was spent with my doctor explaining to me that I was still “fat”. My weight was an ok number (I’m holding steady at the horrid 174) but my BMI was just too high at 37%. Yes, that number was pretty shocking to me to be honest. We’ve been moving into our new house and settling in and I haven’t worked out in about 3 months now, but seriously? I had been steadily working out 4x a week until February when the world flipped upside down and I fell off the fitness wagon…. but still-how in the hell could I still be at 37%?!!
I’m about 3 weeks outside of gallbladder surgery and I’m antsy to get back into working out, although I do tire easy when I take long walks still. I have to get back to running at the very immediate. I may very well have to go back on my post diet regimen as well. My size medium clothes are starting to get tight and I’m getting the spare tire middle. This isn’t good. I’m definitely scared I’m beginning to make my way up on the scale very soon.
Gut check. For reals…
So I’m back at Crossfit. Have been for about a month. I go 4x-5x week and I have personal programming this time-no group Wod for me unless I’m doing a partner wod with my husband on Saturdays.
So why did I join back up to do something I have admittedly hated doing in the past? Well, a few reasons. One, it works. Two, and probably the biggest reason: my husband and I, after almost 17 years of marriage, have never shared a hobby. And while this isn’t a “hobby” really, it’s a thing. A thing we’re both doing-maybe not together everyday but sometimes, we’re both doing it and have something to share and talk about and progress with together. That’s a big deal to both of us. Three, I need discipline. Running alone had waned off for me and I just wasn’t doing any kind of exercise for a few months. Nobody was pushing me to do it either. And here I’m watching my husband kick his ass at CrossFit every day -while I’m over here gaining 10lbs for the holidays- and I’m like, I have to do something! And quick!
Sooooo, speaking of that 10lbs…. I’ve been avoiding the scale for months-which is crazy because I was so obsessed with it for a year-and just seeing that number on the inbody today was like reality check! Crap crap crap! 10lbs… I could kick my own ass for this…
The inbody showed my BMI was at 29% though, which considering I was at 49% a little over a year ago is still something to be celebrated. I’m at 38% body fat so definitely want to get that number down.
I need to lose another 35lbs. Which was right in line with goal weight to begin with. So right after Christmas (I must have some of moms potato soup on Christmas Day) I am back on post-op diet. No more carbs. Lots less sugars. Lot more water. Protein protein protein!
Speaking of protein, have you tried Juice Plus shakes? So so good! Mix in some Greek yogurt (which I loathe otherwise) and it’s a protein-packed meal right there.
Updates a comin’ as I jump back on the wagon! Missed y’all!
In short that’s what I’d like to know too. In case you’re wondering the why of my awal, let’s just say that I am still….drumroll…dead stuck at 170lbs. Since March. And my one year is just around the corner with 25 lbs left to go.
After 4 months I got in the dumps and took a nose dive in tracking in MFP, started eating without conscience thought, and haven’t run a mile in 2 months or kickboxed.
Motivation is sorely needed. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. I haven’t posted because the above shows that I’ve been an epic failure all around since June. Planning to plan is not enough.
Time to rip the duct-tape off, eh?
The mental battle to get me to the building was real. Thank God I left early because I found myself at two stores first, subconsciously avoiding the clock because hey there’s the “aw man, I am late so I can’t go” self sabotage manipulation shit I do to myself (seriously people, that’s where I’ve been for two months).
I pulled into the parking lot at the Kickboxing gym about 20 mins early. I sat in the car willing myself to get out. I checked in on Facebook to hold myself even more accountable. If I told my friends I’m here then I better get my ass in there and do it.
It’s amazing how a two-month hiatus from exercise will set you back.
I. Think. I. Died.
So… I’m going back tomorrow!!
But I am going to be a little smart about it and go to a yin yoga class in the morning first so I’m a little stretched out from tonight and more nimble for the evening kickboxing class…
I wouldn’t say I’m back yet, but I definitely took the first step tonight- even if I did it fighting myself the whole way.
My personal mantras as of now, thought I’d share:
- You’re not hungry, you’re thirsty.
- You’re not hungry, you’re bored.
- I want those carbs! Eat a protein.
- I want those sweets! Drink a protein shake or eat a Popsicle.
- I want a nap! Go run 3 miles.
- Get on the scale! Fuck the scale.
Seriously I am placing post-it notes with these everywhere so I can see them!
It’s 8:30p and I just want to go to bed. That’s me in a nutshell for the last week. Motivation? What’s that? Oh, and food? Gimme!
Yes, my upped-dose meds have kicked in and buddy, it’s a big damn difference. And I am not liking it not one single bit. Not happening. Not going down like this. Done.
I officially dropped my meds back down last night. It will take a week or two to get back to where I was, unfortunately. The hope is that the manic goes out the window with the rest.
I haven’t gained any weight – which truth be told is a miracle because I am constantly starving. Trying to stuff my face with protein and fruit, but I promise I’m only winning half of that battle. I have run or KB all week. Oh I’ve gotten ready, dressed-hair up-but nope. Started a couple of times then just stopped. I don’t have it IN me. So hard to explain. It’s like you’re a walking zombie who’s hungry all of the time.
I was afraid of this exactly. And like I told my BFF tonight-my gut instinct has never, ever been wrong. Proven over and over again, it never fails to be right. Why didn’t I listen this time? I should never have done this. But I thought, it’s for the greater good! Bullshit. I’m still in manic- only now I’m also a cast member for the Walking Dead – with peanut butter on a spoon in my hand!
170. A number I have begun to LOATHE with all that is in me.
Every. Single. Morning. 170 stares back up at me from the digits on my scale monitor. What are we on, like 2 months now?!
I happened to break it ONE day to 169.6 – I was elated! Literally danced around my bathroom like I just won the Power 5 or something. Yes, I finally broke the 170’s!!! It lasted only that day. The next day I was 170.2 or some shit like that. Again.
I’m elated that it’s not going up, for certain. But my body IS shifting itself around–weight is re-distributing itself WVERYWHERE. As an example, I find the top of my “back fat” is gone now but then I have a complete spare tire above my belly button now. It’s so weird. I don’t feel like I’m losing inches this month- I’m still in a perfect size 12. Not getting any looser or tighter. Just comfortable. Still in a medium top…I just want to lose 25 more pounds. 25! And I’m working so HARD!
So I post this to whine, for sure, but to also show my fellow VSG-ers, stalls are very real. You WILL have them. And while they can be very discouraging, we (including me) MUST remember that we just have to keep rockin’ n Rollin’. Our bodies will get there, maybe just not as fast as our minds want them to.
In the mean time, 170 can take a back seat to the 160’s – please and thank you.
So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct.
So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.
After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!” Ummm…
I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?” I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him.
So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?!
I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons.
- I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it.
- Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience.
So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned.
This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall!
So I did Crossfit for about a year and a half before I had surgery. I absolutely despised it the entire time. Quite honestly I think the only reason I did it at all was because it was something my husband and I did together.
We’re talking anxiety attacks and yes, sobbing, on the way to the box almost every time. Many times I cried during Crossfit too. I thought it had to be my weight and because I was trying to sling around 240 lbs that’s why it made me so miserable.
So I thought/hoped that maybe now it might not be bad-that because I’ve lost all of this weight it wouldn’t just totally suck anymore. Plus it was still something my husband and I could do together. He doesn’t run at all so it’s not like that was an option. So I (thank God) IM’d the Crossfit coach and was straight with him. Said I was anxious about coming back and signing a contract, only to realize I still f’g hated it. So he told me I could just do a punch card first and then at the end of the month see what’s up. Ok, I can handle that…
So I went April 1st. Dreaded it the whole day. Hated everything about it while I was doing it and my outlook was grim after I was finished. Crap.
I need to add something more to my exercise than just running and yoga-but I’m really not disciplined to do strength trianing from an app or Pinterest–what in the world was I going to do?
One golden nugget fell into my lap as we waited for the Crossfit class to begin that night. One of the ladies was talking about how she had done this and that and everything was just too Boring for her. Then I heard her mention ‘the kickboxing gym in (my town)’. I think I knocked someone over as I reeled around with great interest in finding out more about this kickboxing gym. Here? We have a real kickboxing gym close by? Apparently we do. And I was vera, vera excited about that!! I did real kickboxing in late Highschool and loved it. Then we moved to GA after I graduated and I have just never found one that was the real deal anywhere near me so didn’t get back into it. So of course the next opportunity I got I stopped into said gym. They do kickboxing, muiy tai (sp?) kickboxing, boxing and Crossfit. You’re not limited to days you can go or which activity – you can do CF then walk right over and do the kickboxing class then stay for open gym, 6 days a week! And it’s only $20 more a month!
I took my first class to make sure they were the real deal – no gi and lots of sweat. I swiped my card right after class was over. And every time I go I am so excited and pumped to get there and do it. This is what I needed- this is not only motivation, but a hella workout and the best one-on-one personal trianing I’ve ever seen. I am in love! So running-check. Yoga-check. Now kickboxing-check! So freaking excited! I’m bruised and blistered and starting to get a little calloused, and I’m sore like I should be using all of these muscles in new ways so I know the results are sure to come.
Moral of the story – find the workouts that get you jazzed. Don’t fit yourself into a box that you think you should be in to get a workout in.
On the running front, I am making HUGE progress. 6 months ago I was running a 16:30 average mile. Now I’m doing under 13! I’m almost there to goal – May 21 is the Big Day–the 1st goal race. Running the entire race without stopping to walk at all. I’m close. So close. Getting better every time. Still not getting over 10 miles a week like I want to but I’m getting 8-9 miles… Not too far off. I don’t get nervous before a run anymore. I’m not interval trianing anymore either. Just the MMR app that tells me pace and distance as I go and then logs it in my history.
Yoga in the mornings, running in the afternoon (as many days as work allows) and kickboxing in the evening (as many days as kid’s sports allow). Here I come healthy!!
My 7 month sleevaversary is Saturday. Husband has a Warrior Dash obstacle race the afternoon and then I have a 5k that night so I think Sunday we’ll do measurements. Let’s see where I’m at…