Where Have I Been?

In short that’s what I’d like to know too. In case you’re wondering the why of my awal, let’s just say that I am still….drumroll…dead stuck at 170lbs. Since March. And my one year is just around the corner with 25 lbs left to go.  

After 4 months I got in the dumps and took a nose dive in tracking in MFP, started eating without conscience thought, and haven’t run a mile in 2 months or kickboxed. 

Motivation is sorely needed. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. I haven’t posted because the above shows that I’ve been an epic failure all around since June. Planning to plan is not enough. 

Time to rip the duct-tape off, eh?

Advertisements

Mantras

My personal mantras as of now, thought I’d share:

  • You’re not hungry, you’re thirsty. 
  • You’re not hungry, you’re bored. 
  • I want those carbs!  Eat a protein.
  • I want those sweets! Drink a protein shake or eat a Popsicle.
  • I want a nap! Go run 3 miles. 
  • Get on the scale! Fuck the scale. 

Seriously I am placing post-it notes with these everywhere so I can see them!

    The Stall from Hell

    170. A number I have begun to LOATHE with all that is in me. 

    Every. Single. Morning. 170 stares back up at me from the digits on my scale monitor. What are we on, like 2 months now?!

    I happened to break it ONE day to 169.6 – I was elated! Literally danced around my bathroom like I just won the Power 5 or something. Yes, I finally broke the 170’s!!!  It lasted only that day. The next day I was 170.2 or some shit like that. Again. 

    I’m elated that it’s not going up, for certain. But my body IS shifting itself around–weight is re-distributing itself WVERYWHERE. As an example, I find the top of my “back fat” is gone now but then I have a complete spare tire above my belly button now. It’s so weird. I don’t feel like I’m losing inches this month- I’m still in a perfect size 12. Not getting any looser or tighter. Just comfortable. Still in a medium top…I just want to lose 25 more pounds. 25! And I’m working so HARD! 

    So I post this to whine, for sure, but to also show my fellow VSG-ers, stalls are very real.  You WILL have them.  And while they can be very discouraging, we (including me) MUST remember that we just have to keep rockin’ n Rollin’.  Our bodies will get there, maybe just not as fast as our minds want them to.

    In the mean time, 170 can take a back seat to the 160’s – please and thank you. 

    -Xoxo

    The “Weight” of my dilemma

    So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

    So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

    After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

    I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

    Great. 

    So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

    I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

    1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
    2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

    So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

    This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

    Bu-Bye Crossfit

    So I did Crossfit for about a year and a half before I had surgery. I absolutely despised it the entire time. Quite honestly I think the only reason I did it at all was because it was something my husband and I did together. 

    We’re talking anxiety attacks and yes, sobbing, on the way to the box almost every time. Many times I cried during Crossfit too. I thought it had to be my weight and because I was trying to sling around 240 lbs that’s why it made me so miserable. 

    So I thought/hoped that maybe now it might not be bad-that because I’ve lost all of this weight it wouldn’t just totally suck anymore. Plus it was still something my husband and I could do together. He doesn’t run at all so it’s not like that was an option. So I (thank God) IM’d the Crossfit coach and was straight with him. Said I was anxious about coming back and signing a contract, only to realize I still f’g hated it. So he told me I could just do a punch card first and then at the end of the month see what’s up. Ok, I can handle that…

    So I went April 1st. Dreaded it the whole day. Hated everything about it while I was doing it and my outlook was grim after I was finished. Crap. 

    I need to add something more to my exercise than just running and yoga-but I’m really not disciplined to do strength trianing from an app or Pinterest–what in the world was I going to do?

    One golden nugget fell into my lap as we waited for the Crossfit class to begin that night. One of the ladies was talking about how she had done this and that and everything was just too Boring for her. Then I heard her mention ‘the kickboxing gym in (my town)’. I think I knocked someone over as I reeled around with great interest in finding out more about this kickboxing gym. Here? We have a real kickboxing gym close by? Apparently we do. And I was vera, vera excited about that!! I did real kickboxing in late Highschool and loved it. Then we moved to GA after I graduated and I have just never found one that was the real deal anywhere near me so didn’t get back into it. So of course the next opportunity I got I stopped into said gym. They do kickboxing, muiy tai (sp?) kickboxing, boxing and Crossfit. You’re not limited to days you can go or which activity – you can do CF then walk right over and do the kickboxing class then stay for open gym, 6 days a week! And it’s only $20 more a month! 

    I took my first class to make sure they were the real deal – no gi and lots of sweat. I swiped my card right after class was over. And every time I go I am so excited and pumped to get there and do it. This is what I needed- this is not only motivation, but a hella workout and the best one-on-one personal trianing I’ve ever seen. I am in love! So running-check. Yoga-check. Now kickboxing-check! So freaking excited! I’m bruised and blistered and starting to get a little calloused, and I’m sore like I should be using all of these muscles in new ways so I know the results are sure to come. 

    Moral of the story – find the workouts that get you jazzed. Don’t fit yourself into a box that you think you should be in to get a workout in. 

    On the running front, I am making HUGE progress. 6 months ago I was running a 16:30 average mile. Now I’m doing under 13! I’m almost there to goal – May 21 is the Big Day–the 1st goal race. Running the entire race without stopping to walk at all. I’m close. So close. Getting better every time. Still not getting over 10 miles a week like I want to but I’m getting 8-9 miles… Not too far off. I don’t get nervous before a run anymore. I’m not interval trianing anymore either. Just the MMR app that tells me pace and distance as I go and then logs it in my history. 

    Yoga in the mornings, running in the afternoon (as many days as work allows) and kickboxing in the evening (as many days as kid’s sports allow). Here I come healthy!! 

    My 7 month sleevaversary is Saturday. Husband has a Warrior Dash obstacle race the afternoon and then I have a 5k that night so I think Sunday we’ll do measurements. Let’s see where I’m at…  

    Xoxo

    Best Time Yet

    So I just wanted to share a quickie tonight about my race this Saturday. I was thrilled with the fact that I made my best time yet! I still have a ways to go, but finishing the race in 38:23 is a HUGE leap from the 47+ minutes I was doing 6 months ago.  That’s serious progress to see, and was really what I needed this weekend. Because sometimes we look at our progress in too small of increments. When we take a look backwards, to see how far we’ve actually come, it can be such an awesome feeling of accomplishment!  So if you’re struggling with progress by the millimeters right now, take a look back at how far you’ve come since the start. And then give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back!

      

    6 Month Sleevaversary

    Well that came way too fast. What a month! I’ve been here, there, and everywhere it seems. I have to say I was surprised, yet not really, with my results this month.  I mean I have been in the scale every day, I know how much it’s not moving, no matter how much I seem to run. My therapist reminded me this week that I am on medication that causes significant weight gain…I’m now at a point where my body is likely fighting that chemistry. Well yay. Terrific. So happy about that reality check…really 😒

    So without further ado…drum roll

    Month 6: 

    • Weight loss: -3.4 lbs (Wa Wa Wummm)
    • Inches loss: -6″ (cha Ching!)

    Loss to date:

    • Weight: -65.6 lbs (An average 9 year old)
    • Inches: -39.75″ (the height of an average 5 year old)

    On the inches perspective I am seriously making some major progress and I am happy. I can really see a difference in my body. In fact, when my husband and I started dating I was 14 lbs lighter than my current weight and both of us agree that I actually look slimmer now than I did at 160! Go figure, eh?

    NSV (because those are what I have to focus on at this rate)

    • I am in a size 12 pant and a medium top. Woot!
    • My running gets better every day. I’m still focused and getting more diciplined in this area. Crossfit is back on in June or earlier. Nervous about that but very excited to see the dramatic changes that are sure to come from adding that back into my life. 
    • See inches lost above 😆
    • The only loose skin I seem to have right now is in my upper arms. It’s not bad, but very noticeable to me. Hoping CF will reduce this. It will either help it or make it look worse…
    • Vegas was amazeballs and I felt like I looked like a rockstar. I felt so pretty! Hubs thought I looked boo-koo hot too. 
    • We walked the strip for hours and I didn’t get tired in the slightest. 
    • I showed my ‘before’ picture to my co-worker and she said she would never have guessed it was the same person. That makes two of us, sweet lady.
    • I ordered a new bathing suit and it’s not BLACK!  And it has an open back! (Hope it looks good on…).
    • I’ve been sun bathing naked (I live on a 30 acre farm, no one can see me) and I don’t feel embarrassed about it in the least. 
    • I can maneuver much better in the bedroom and I don’t have to close my eyes the whole time for fear of seeing myself. (TMI, I know but this is a biggie for me).
    • The kids can wrap their arms around me when they hug me and then some.
    • Kids still having a hard time recognizing me when I call for them in public. This one never fails to crack me up. 
    • I am diligently taking my vitamins every day!

    So, I still need to get more diciplined with meal planning. Not so much for food choices as much as it is for proper nourishment and protein intake. I still don’t think I’m getting enough each day. 

    With the exception of meal planning I am doing well with my goals. Why the scale isn’t really moving hardly, it is clear I am still making great progress. My body’s just shaking itself out, I think. Not sure if I will ever see 140 but I will continue to stay focused and maybe the scale will start moving again. Let’s pray!

    Much love sleevers!! Xoxo

    Good Friday

    I woke up today and actually felt pretty normal- it was glorious!  I’ve been trying to get in-tune and listen to my body.  I did a fairly good job and when I tried those refried beans for lunch and the pouch said I don’t think so Amanda I listened.  So just the egg and protein shakes for me right now. I concentrated hard on the feeling of satisfaction to tell myself I was full. Seemed to work, so I just have to practice that until it comes naturally. 

    I’ve been on the treadmill a few times this week but really couldn’t get through a decent workout. Based on how I feel today I am fired up to get back to the program starting Monday. I’ll wait to run until dr clears me on the 8th. Funny enough I have a 5k on the 10th I signed up for a bit ago before surgery was scheduled. Guess I’ll be walking that one, I’m not ready to run a full 5k yet at all.  Ground up, but that’s ok with me. Isn’t that what I essentially did on the 16th- ground level all around. Perfect. 

    I’m down 16.8 lbs since surgery for a total pound loss of 22.2 lbs. I’m thrilled.  

    Be proud of your milestones today my sleeved angels (and non-sleeved angels).  See you tomorrow…

    Mind Food

    I have been thinking and dreaming about food. I’m not hungry, but I want FOOD.  Cooking for the family today has been a struggle for my mind. I started reading articles about bariatric eating galore after I cooked dinner. I’ve read these all before but they seem to be soothing my mind hunger tonight. 

    Man, I didn’t realize my relationship with food was THIS bad. Clearly this is going to be an even bigger up-hill battle for me as I re-learn how to eat after this surgery. I am going to have to be even more aware of my addiction and make good decisions. I’ll be hunting really good books on the subject and cookbooks specific to bariatric and WLS eating. I did find a great website with recipes using protein powders, it’s called Cheatclean. It’s the Quest brand recipe site, but some of those recipes look awesome. 

    I’m only down 3 lbs from the day before surgery. I have to say I’m a bit surprised at that number considering I’ve been on liquids for a full week now. I don’t know, I just thought the number would be a little higher. One of my VSG friends I met that had surgery the same day as me is down 12 and is already driving!  My other friend (same day sleever) is like me, scale hasn’t moved much either. 

    I’ve been following all the rules to the letter since day one and plan to continue that…hopefully this isn’t the status quo for me as I move into solid  foods stage in a few weeks. To be fair, I’m down 7 lbs total from the start of the 2-week diet date. 

    I’d love to hear what some fellow sleevers first few weeks losses were post-op… And did you struggle with head-hunger immediately after surgery too?

    Pre-op

    I went through the looooong, I mean long pre-op process today. What’s crazy is after all that, they can’t tell me my surgery time for Wednesday until Tuesday! Frustrating.  Thankfully I was a smart lady who packed a lunch sack full of protein shakes to keep me fed all day at the dr’s office. Go me! I offered one to a lady who was on her 2-week plan too, but she didn’t take me up on it. Wish she had-she was miserable hungry.

    I made a bunch of new sleeve friends in the waiting room! We all exchanged contacts and will hopefully keep in touch.

    So….I totally had a full-on, holy-shit-what-did-I-do, anxiety attack about the money on my way home from pre-op. Like, it was the ugly cry kind, people.   It’s not as though I’m poor and can’t afford the payments, but A-my mountain of student loan payments are coming up next August and B-the hubby and I were looking to buy a house and land in 2 years. The debt ratio is now a little staggering…. I’m just praying that I can really make a huge dent or pay off this loan before August- that’s the plan anyway. Lord above willing!  By August I will have “debt cows” that are literally that. The calves from those heffers will be sold and applied to my student loan principal every year to help pay that sucker off quicker.  Moooove over debt!

    I digress…. Just had to get that off my chest – thanks for my moment.

    I’ve been having white meat and fish for weeks now. I’m totally craving (lean) red meat tonight, especially after protein shakes only all day. Doctor pretty much laid it down for me that bread should not be in my forever future after surgery. Thinking I should have had a little food funeral at Alpine Bakery after all. Kidding! That’s seriously ok by me. I don’t even want it right now. I truly believe you could put a glazed donut (my weakness) in front of me right now and I would likely be like, “nah thanks”.  Point is, I think I’m mentally ready.  

    So, c’mon Wednesday! Woo hoo!!!!

    PS- my “predicted weight” from the doctor is 147.5. 🙂