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Where Have I Been?

In short that’s what I’d like to know too. In case you’re wondering the why of my awal, let’s just say that I am still….drumroll…dead stuck at 170lbs. Since March. And my one year is just around the corner with 25 lbs left to go.  

After 4 months I got in the dumps and took a nose dive in tracking in MFP, started eating without conscience thought, and haven’t run a mile in 2 months or kickboxed. 

Motivation is sorely needed. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. I haven’t posted because the above shows that I’ve been an epic failure all around since June. Planning to plan is not enough. 

Time to rip the duct-tape off, eh?

My Ending AbsenceĀ 

Holy cow I did not realize it’s been 56 days since my last post! Nor did I post an 8th month Surgaversary. Well, that one was a pointed decision, as I just couldn’t quite stomach it and wasn’t ready to expose myself over it No loss, no inches, lbs, or otherwise. Momentum halted on all counts.  

The dreaded stall of Spring remains firmly in tact as the Summer begins.  My weight hovers in .1s and .3s…all at the 170 lb display on the scale.  The days I lift my brows in amusement are the ones that linger at the 170.0 marker. No move, up or down. Bemusement has replaced the obsession with the scale, a locked up sense of terror, and a general apathy towards food. 

See, before surgery I fought and fought hard, to overcome the addiction of eating, even more intensely as my medicine demanded constant fulfillment. I would see no progress and fall of into a binge. Viscous circle of failure.  The patterns beckon me now as I see the stalemate move my scale plays every morning. I thank God that the scale is not moving up, but can’t help but to fight the battle of addiction and craving still.

I can’t tell my tale right now that would possibly enlighten others or even help them, I am obviously not winning the battles in my head and it shows in my lack of progress on the scale. What do I have to offer you, who seek guidance or connection to your journey  too?   

Therapy tells me I am going through “cycling”, high highs and low lows, and time and fighting through until I level out is all I can do. 

I will run tomorrow, my first run in over a month. Send me prayers I can get out of my rut so motivation can find me again. Looking at perceived failure every morning tends to chip away your motivation, so I have decided not to even look at the scale for awhile. Let’s hope this tactic works. 

In the meantime my fellow VSGers-keep rocking it and be super proud of your small and large successes. They matter to your mental health and keep you moving forward. 

I will not go 56 days again. It’s honesty I have and it’s what you’ll get. Even if I don’t want to share, I will.