Boxing Kicked

The mental battle to get me to the building was real. Thank God I left early because I found myself at two stores first, subconsciously avoiding the clock because hey there’s the “aw man, I am late so I can’t go” self sabotage manipulation shit I do to myself (seriously people, that’s where I’ve been for two months). 

I pulled into the parking lot at the Kickboxing gym about 20 mins early. I sat in the car willing myself to get out. I checked in on Facebook to hold myself even more accountable. If I told my friends I’m here then I better get my ass in there and do it. 

It’s amazing how a two-month hiatus from exercise will set you back. 

I.  Think. I. Died.  

So… I’m going back tomorrow!! 

But I am going to be a little smart about it and go to a yin yoga class in the morning first so I’m a little stretched out from tonight and more nimble for the evening kickboxing class… 

I wouldn’t say I’m back yet, but I definitely took the first step tonight- even if I did it fighting myself the whole way.

My Ending AbsenceĀ 

Holy cow I did not realize it’s been 56 days since my last post! Nor did I post an 8th month Surgaversary. Well, that one was a pointed decision, as I just couldn’t quite stomach it and wasn’t ready to expose myself over it No loss, no inches, lbs, or otherwise. Momentum halted on all counts.  

The dreaded stall of Spring remains firmly in tact as the Summer begins.  My weight hovers in .1s and .3s…all at the 170 lb display on the scale.  The days I lift my brows in amusement are the ones that linger at the 170.0 marker. No move, up or down. Bemusement has replaced the obsession with the scale, a locked up sense of terror, and a general apathy towards food. 

See, before surgery I fought and fought hard, to overcome the addiction of eating, even more intensely as my medicine demanded constant fulfillment. I would see no progress and fall of into a binge. Viscous circle of failure.  The patterns beckon me now as I see the stalemate move my scale plays every morning. I thank God that the scale is not moving up, but can’t help but to fight the battle of addiction and craving still.

I can’t tell my tale right now that would possibly enlighten others or even help them, I am obviously not winning the battles in my head and it shows in my lack of progress on the scale. What do I have to offer you, who seek guidance or connection to your journey  too?   

Therapy tells me I am going through “cycling”, high highs and low lows, and time and fighting through until I level out is all I can do. 

I will run tomorrow, my first run in over a month. Send me prayers I can get out of my rut so motivation can find me again. Looking at perceived failure every morning tends to chip away your motivation, so I have decided not to even look at the scale for awhile. Let’s hope this tactic works. 

In the meantime my fellow VSGers-keep rocking it and be super proud of your small and large successes. They matter to your mental health and keep you moving forward. 

I will not go 56 days again. It’s honesty I have and it’s what you’ll get. Even if I don’t want to share, I will. 

Nope, Not happening

It’s 8:30p and I just want to go to bed. That’s me in a nutshell for the last week. Motivation? What’s that? Oh, and food? Gimme! 

Yes, my upped-dose meds have kicked in and buddy, it’s a big damn difference. And I am not liking it not one single bit. Not happening. Not going down like this. Done. 

I officially dropped my meds back down last night. It will take a week or two to get back to where I was, unfortunately. The hope is that the manic goes out the window with the rest. 

I haven’t gained any weight – which truth be told is a miracle because I am constantly starving. Trying to stuff my face with protein and fruit, but I promise I’m only winning half of that battle. I have run or KB all week. Oh I’ve gotten ready, dressed-hair up-but nope. Started a couple of times then just stopped. I don’t have it IN me. So hard to explain. It’s like you’re a walking zombie who’s hungry all of the time. 

I was afraid of this exactly. And like I told my BFF tonight-my gut instinct has never, ever been wrong. Proven over and over again, it never fails to be right. Why didn’t I listen this time? I should never have done this. But I thought, it’s for the greater good! Bullshit. I’m still in manic- only now I’m also a cast member for the Walking Dead – with peanut butter on a spoon in my hand! 

The “Weight” of my dilemma

So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

Great. 

So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

  1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
  2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

Sucker punch

So you know how I said I overdid it yesterday? Well today I woke up feeling like I’d been drop-kicked in the stomach and felt that way all day. Not sure what the culprit was yesterday but man did it get me. 

I’m really trying to stay focused on the positive but I am getting discouraged. I don’t think they made my pouch small enough. I did a test tonight with macaroni. I ate almost a whole serving, almost hoping to get sick and prove to myself my pouch is indeed really small. I felt full (finally) but I did not feel sick or get sick. Wtf? I’m able to gulp water down without incident. I swear when I go in for my post-op I want drink that dye and see my pouch because right now I’m worried. I’m hungry, I don’t feel full most meals, and I’m weak and getting cranky. Plus I’m actually up a pound today- likely holding water because I haven’t been drinking enough over the last few days (but today I did).  

I see my fellow sleevers and talk to my girls from pre-op and I feel very different and alone. What if they didn’t cut enough? What if this was all for nothing? Trying not to be a Debbie-downer and maybe I’m  being too dramatic… I don’t know but my mind is all over the place with this. 

Maybe it’s my BP kicking in because my meds are dealing with this change in my body and thus they’re not as effective and its taking me down a spiral.  

So sorry for the gloom but I feel like I need to express it because maybe folks are having, or did have, the same experiences almost 2 weeks out. Just….*sigh*. These are not the issues/emotions I expected to be coping with at this stage. 

Gotta Reset my attitude tomorrow and try to believe they did cut me a decent pouch and move on. 

Sorry again guys, but I had to get it out.

It’s Tuesday!

And why am I glad it’s Tuesday you ask? Because tomorrow I get to start full liquids and this girl is verra happy about that! I’m going to miss my beef broth breakfast, really…

Yesterday was just a really crap day. Every drink made my pouch growl and grumble and bubble-it bordered painful! Work day was not the greatest, I definitely had a hard time sitting up for so long with my belly button incision. Not sure what they did down there but it is black and blue all around my belly button about 2″ out.  I tend to hunch over at my desk too (trying to work on that) so that didn’t help either. I had to lie down twice. Glad I hit the treadmill first thing in the morning because I was toast-and cranky-by the end of the day. 

I drove today for the first time since surgery. I must say our city roads could use some re-paving.  I was taking the kids to and fro all around and then-I was really glad to be home and not jostling my stomach around anymore. 

I was wondering if I was recovering slower than every other person in the sleeve community, but I’ve been texting with two other gals that had theirs the same day I did and they’re on the exact same track as me. Whew-I’m not a total weenie!

Still searching for that full feeling. I am really hoping that full liquids will give me that. I’m worried because one of the medications I take causes you to have massive cravings. I think it has something to do with a hormone in your body-I can’t remember what it’s called-but I read all about it.  It’s one of the reasons there is massive weight gain with the medication. Anyway, the big fear for the whole journey for both me and my husband is that the medication is going to interfere with the sleeve. I’ve talked to my doctor about switching me and the only other option I have I’ve already tried and cannot take – it makes me bat-shit crazy. Literally.  So it’s either my meds or no meds. Not really a consideration. One of my weight loss attempts was to actually go off of the meds and keep with the diet/excersize.  Um, nope. Didn’t work on many levels. So I’m anxious to have that full feeling so I don’t feel like I’m on a diet for the rest of my life.  Fingers crossed!

I’m so excited! Happy hump-day yall!