The Impossible 

Hello! Hope everyone is enjoying a great weekend and have a day full of possibilities on this Sunday!  I like to wake up extra early on Sundays before the rest of the house, just so I can reflect and enjoy the quiet before church. 

I have to be in Vegas the Sunday after my birthday in March. So my husband I are going to fly in early together and make it a weekend getaway-which we haven’t had in eons. I’m so very excited! Work and my mom (she booked us a suite off the strip as my present) made it possible for us to do this. I’m so thankful! And did I mention excited? The one and only time I’ve been to Vegas I saw the inside of a convention center and then got the flu and spent, what was supposed to be a great weekend with my friends, instead on a mattress in a hotel room with 102+ fever. Blech! 

So I found this amazing dress online that I thought would be PERFECT for the first night on the town, in which we have already booked a night club tour.  (Which in itself is totally crazy to me because my husband is SO not a nightcluber!). I like to dance so I love them.  This is THE perfect dress! 


Isn’t this just gorgeous?!
I got the dress in the mail yesterday (so love Amazon) and tried it on last night.  It doesn’t quite fit. (Wha wha whaaam)

I was anticipating that it maybe wouldn’t fit now, maybe it would be a little too tight, but maybe by March it would be perfect.  I was able to wiggle it up my body but there was no way it was coming close to zipping up.  And I don’t know if another 25 lbs loss will be enough. Then I really got to thinking…25lbs?! Impossible!

When I started this journey I could not fathom the possibility that I would ever make it to goal weight. “100 lbs is never going to happen”. Not because I didn’t think I’d be successful, I totally thought/think I will be-I just couldn’t really conceive that 100lbs was…well, real.  All of the diets and working out before never got me anywhere but 20lbs maybe…and of course I would gain it back+.  It’s just a surreal thought that 100lbs was/is even a realistic possibility.  And even looking backwards on this last 4 1/2 months, -55 lbs is still like, “impossible” yet it IS real. So you would think that I could conceive of 25 more lbs easy, right? I’m staying on plan, working out and diligent about my training, yet I still feel like I’m lying to myself that another 25lbs is possible. Let alone by March!  Impossible. 

Why am I so programmed to think this way? Do/did anyone feel this way-like a healthier, slimmer you was even possible? “Of course it can happen, but how can that be possible?”  A contridiction of the thought patterns, for sure, but I can’t be the only one…right? <crickets>

Eyes on goal. That’s what I even said to a fellow blogger-just last night! I see the goal, but see a mountain in front of it that I just don’t have the experience needed to climb.  I am training for this climb. Eating, running, strength training… But apparently my brain hasn’t got the memo that I am already climbing this mountain. It seems as if I have some serious brain-speaking to do, and do it every day. 

It’s not impossible. It’s real and it IS possible.  And I’m doing it! Now.

My greatest point here is that physical changes are a side effect. Great ones. But the real mountain I think is the mental aspect of this journey. We all talk about that we can hardly recognize ourselves in the mirror, our skinny shadows, or are blown away by before and now pictures. Me included. And I wonder why each of us are so surprised by these things. We’re fighting for it every day! We are conquering what we thought was impossible. We need to fight with our minds too. We are winning and it’s time for our thoughts to catch up. 

It’s not impossible. Oh the possibilities when I truly live that mentality and it’s not a pep talk anymore….

All things being equal…


A very personal post tonight, a glimpse into my family life…

Today was a day full of challenges, for sure. And they weigh heavy on my heart tonight and for a long time to come, I’m sure. 

Parenting is not a cake walk, never thought it would be or should be.  But there are times, many times when you wonder if you’re doing everything right by your kids.  Ever feel like your feet are dangling, and then you don’t know that when you put your feet on the ground what direction to you’re to take?

I have three amazing little people I brought into this world. Each one is so very different, and in many ways we parent each to their own individual personality. Yes there are standard principals and rules and consequences and morals we apply evenly through the home, but each child is guided based on their individual needs. Not all things are equal in this house. And right now, I’m struggling with that with regard to the challenges we currently face. 

I had a parent teacher conference with ALL of my son’s teachers today. I was mortified by the fact that I actually started crying. Yes, during the conference.  Dammit! Now, it’s not like what they were saying was incredibly horrible, at all.  It’s because he has a problem and I, as a parent, was not sure in those moments in front of these people, how I was going to help him.  Hence, the waterworks. 

Now I understand this is a controversial subject. I’m not here to debate it, I was a cynic myself until I had children.  I see value and shortcomings in ALL of the arguments on this subject-even my own take on it.  Be that as it may…

All three of my kids-each one with very very different learning abilities-have their father’s genetics of having ADD.  Behavior has never been an issue for any of them.  My son might be a bit hyperactive, but it’s more related to his self control abilities and not disciplinary behavior issues.  He’s a good kid and the teachers reaffirmed that to me today.  He’s respectful, polite, compassionate… and brilliant. I don’t say that beilliant part because I’m his mom, trust me-but my daughters, me, my husband-all of us are in a totally different ball field than him when it comes to his brain.

The reason for my heavy heart tonight is not because of his problem, per se, but because of the measures my husband and I are taking to hopefully alleviate some of the contributors to his problem in an effort to help him take control (sans medication). Special diet, chiropractic care, and quite possibly home school so he can control the environment he so desperately needs to control…(that’s him – not us or the teachers, it is actually his number one issue). I’ll save you the details because it would take a page or 5 to describe my sons personality and inner workings. That’s not the point tonight really. 

The point is however, that we (my husband and I) have been thinking in a tunnel I think. We’re only focusing on one child right now, when all three battle with the same affliction. Homeschool is not an option for my oldest – would not be beneficial to her at all. My youngest, that remains to be seen as of yet. We’ll have to cross that bridge soon though I’m pretty sure. She needs the live, hands on approach. But that’s not here or there for this post.  But…

What about the diet changes and chiropractic care? We didn’t even talk about that for my daughters. Why? Why are we not talking about those things for them too?! They each require very different ‘treatment’ options- they are not the same and this cannot be equal. But drastically changing their diet and taking them to a chiropractor renowned for improving the afflictions of ADD-those are just basic home-grown medicines we can give to all three of them to help, right?  To minimize the battle they fight every day in school as much as we can-so they can learn better in school. We can make these changes throughout the household easily, expense ignored.  And see if it actually does help one or all three of them. It can’t hurt to try for all of their sakes, surely… This one can be created equal in this house.  Will it help, I don’t know. My son will/does give 100% honing in on himself to take ADD by the balls without medication, which he vehemently opposes and we respect that (he is 13 and has a mind to determine that for himself). But what about my girls? My oldest has tried the no-medication route and it is not for her. My youngest is in the midst of evaluation so we dont know if that’s a tool for her yet. 

So I think that this has to be equal in this house- the diet and chiropractic care. Maybe the girls can be medication-free too, who knows. That would be like diamonds falling from the sky if that were the case. I don’t like medication for my children. But suffering from my own affliction (bi-polar) and seeing the positive change in my life because of medication, I can’t discard the value in that for my kids own afflictions either. It’s a very tight rope we walk on the subject. And one we take very seriously. 
All things in life are not created equal. Parenting is no different. 

But this one, this one might help all of them. 

Advise is welcomed, especially with regard to homeschooling in which I have just begun researching. Bashing is not, so I thank you for not doing it here. 

And thanks for the ear tonight…

Strength & Confidence

“Remember when we used to sit on our asses and smoke?”

That’s what one of my dearest friends said after a run in the park together a couple of weeks ago. I laughed my head off and still giggle everytime I think of it. Because it’s so true…We would sit on my front porch, yammering about everything while smoking our cigarettes. (I miss that house…but I digress…)

Wow, life is so different than it was then. So what happened next? Let me see….my husband went through two layoffs, I got laid off 6 months later, we started a business, lost our house, cars, and retirement, closed down the business, moved to a farm, started raising cattle (our new retirement plan), husband changed careers, I went back to school, almost got a divorce, started a new career… Whew! That’s my life for the past 6 years in a very breif nutshell.  Now that’s getting personal!

The point?

I look back at all of this – all of the pain, the turmoil, the stress, just the hurdles life has thrown in my path – and I look at myself in the eyes today. I. Am. Badass.  And I am PROUD of myself. I didn’t just survive these things, I fought the battles, and I conquered them.  Looking at where I’m standing today, I am holding the flipping gold metal!

I am not just rambling on to pat myself on the back to y’all. Thing is, I want to remember these things and hold them in my memory on purpose.  Lessons to learn, absolutely. But more than that, proof that I have the strength to overcome and persevere.  Self-confidence hasn’t been the easiest thing for me, like ever.  But reflecting on these things makes me realize I am strong. I should be confident in myself. I can look in the mirror and see pride.  So, as I look to kick off a new year tomorrow, I am going to remind myself of these things every day. I refuse to see failure in the mirror any. more.

I urge each of you to maybe do a little reflection of the obstacles you have likely overcome in your life as well. It’s enlightening – and dare I say liberating – to realize where your strength has guided your path, and maybe you don’t really realize it until you look back…

Don’t walk quietly into 2016. Jump for joy into it and make it the best year yet!

Happy New Year All and let’s do this – with no inhibitions and full of confidence!

A Brand New You, Effective Tomorrow

Reflections and Resolutions

As I reflect on the year of 2015, I truly am blown away by all of the changes I have personally made in my life, in just this last year. Not in any particular order…I changed careers, I took control of my health and gave myself another tool so that I might finally be successful, I started this blog, and I took a focused look inward to realize my strengths and weaknesses to tackle what I need to celebrate and what I need to work on in the various aspects of my life.  I did good this year. All of the things I set out to do this year I did, and more. 

Now I have to admit, I met 2015 with a battered heart and a lack of faith in myself, really walking adrift and aimless at the beginning. For most of 2013 and all of 2014 my sole focus was on my marriage and keeping the kids oblivious to the turmoil. With the dust settled, doors closed, and new foundations being constructed by the end of 2014 I took a look in the mirror last New Year’s Eve and, while I was hopeful, I was damn tired. Drained. Like swimming in the ocean for months and months and finally making it to the shore, success!, but no more gas in the tank, know what I mean?  I didn’t have a plan for my personal goals and growth.  I couldn’t even tell you what those were. Yes I was in the middle of grad school but just pushing the paces to get me through until graduation.  

It wasn’t until February when I was sitting in a 3-day summit meeting at work when it hit me – dead in the face – what in the hell am I doing here? I hate this industry and there’s no where for me to grow or even do something different!  I made a plan then and there. I was going to bide my time, finish grad school, then go on the hunt for something inspiring and ideally from home. My kids are getting into their teenage years and my constant presence in their lives would be even more vital than ever before. A week later a job popped up in my LinkedIn profile bar, and it was with a company I desperately wanted to work for and had wanted to for 3 years.  I didn’t go lookin for it either-in my mind I wasn’t ready. But there it was, right in front of me. I took a chance and applied. 7 weeks and 5 interviews later I was offered a position with this company and I haven’t looked back. More money, I work from home, and the growth opportunities are endless. And I absolutely love what I do now and the company I work for. 

Meanwhile, I took a strong hold on my health. Diet and exercise, Crossfit, personal trainer, c25k, weight watchers, I was in the war zone – and losing. Discouraged and depressed I turned to food and self-sabotaged every effort I was making. But I didn’t stop the efforts, just obviously couldn’t break trough. I gained 40 lbs in 6 months. Enough was enough and VSG was going to help me win over depression and self-sabotage. I committed and was/am all in now. Best decision ever.  

I started this blog. Both to meet fellow WLS Angels and to keep myself accountable. A bonus would be if I helped others out in their journeys too. It’s been amazing so far, living my journey and sharing with others and becoming friends with people who understand just how hard this really is. 

Those are the highlights-the big stuff-and just know there were so many other changes in my life I was making too. 

So, when I look in the mirror on Thursday I ask myself what I will see. What will I do? What do I want and How will I do it?  I want answers and plans on Thuraday-a list and a plan. 

So what is your New Year’s resolution?  2016 has a whole host of changes coming my way-those that are already seen. Student loans, financial planning, the logistical stuff yes, but things that need to be tackled for sure. 

But what about the me part? I am a mom and a wife and I am not by any means a selfish person. But 2016 is going to be focused on me. Selfish? Maybe. But the better I make me, the better I am for those impacted by me.  

I bought a Passion Planner.  I oogled and googled and found the right one for me. I’m very excited about receiving it. It may not be here for a few weeks but the site allows you a free download so I printed the directions and a few weeks to get me started for when I get the book. And I am excited. I am looking deep to find my true passion.  I am making an action plan, that incorporates all of my life goals and tasks to make my way towards them into my daily routine. My New Year’s resolution? To diligently USE my planner everyday, to capture my thoughts and be accountable to my dreams and what I am doing to make them a reality. I won’t accomplish everything in one year,  I know, but at least will be driving the bus to a destination of my own design. 

No more aimless days of just getting through the logistics of daily life. I will walk with purpose. And I will have yet another tool in my Arsenal to help me get there. 

So what are your resolutions? Your passions? I’d really love to hear…

Wrestling Demons and Food

Well, apart from the damnable ankle keeping me sedentary for over a week now, I have had some stronger de-motivating emotional battles not directly related to food -but we’ll get to that-or surgery .  This post is off the beaten path of this WLS blog.  I wasn’t really sure I wanted to come here and expose myself so vulnerably, but maybe it will help me to close Pandora’s lid and put her back in the attic of my mind – for longer this time.   

I know I’ve mentioned my marriage literally crumbled before my eyes in 2013 and crescendoed into the “rock bottom” stage in late 2014.  Just days before Thanksgiving of last year. We thought we were through and had begun planning our divorce and the communication plan for our (if you can believe it) oblivious children. 

God intervened.  Placed his hands right inside our hearts and our family and my marriage and saved us. I promise you it was a miracle we survived it, and not only survived it, thrive as an essentially brand new couple.  We’re now newly weds who’ve happened to have been married for 15 years before. Although I find that I don’t count the first 14 as a marriage anymore. I mean we were married and had three children together. But we were living lies. 

All I will really detail about it all is that it was hella traumatic and my therapist truly described that my coping routine mirrored true PTSD. 
It’s been a full year since the day I said I want a divorce and everything changed. And I wouldn’t trade what we have now, a year later, for anything. 

But the demons still strike at times, as much as I would like to believe we are past it all and looking ahead. Something will trigger my mind and I cannot help but to fester on it, sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days. 

In my current throw down at the mat, I’m coming up on two weeks. Doing everything I can to shake it-throwing myself into work, school, watching TV–all in an effort to use my brain in overload or use my brain for entertainment, so as not to think.   Conjuring up woulda-shoulda-coulda and what did..all of it perculates. I neeeeeed it to just stop!

I haven’t seen my therapist since the week before surgery. It’s clear I am over-due for an appointment. 

This circles me back to food. Early in 2015 I gained 40+ lbs alone. I ate my grief, my pain.  Things were going well then, repaving the road to emotional intimacy and trust. But I hid my pain, suffered in silence, I didn’t want to rock the now calmed boat, and I fed it with whatever I could to make me feel better. Food, Valium, alcohol, sleep. He knew, understood it, and was helpless to change it. 

This brings me to my WLS journey. Having this surgery was going to give me back control of me.  And it’s been such a blessing to be focused on just me, my emotional healing, my strength and my body. 

This raging demon has been relentless. It’s taken me away from my focus on WLS-food prep, execise, protein, water, vitamins. It’s work. And if it’s something I don’t have to do like work or school, I don’t want to do anything at all except sleep. Housework, laundry, cook, nothing. I find myself searching for food to comfort me. Thankfully I have very little if any in the house to feed it and I’m home 85% of my days. I recognize this pattern and am trying to fight it but honestly I have been losing.  Add in the ankle, and I’m just defeated. 

So please send prayers my way that I can get past this muck of memories soon and re-focus on my journey and me.   

Thanks for listening. 

2 Month Surg-aversary 

Today marks exactly 2 months to the day from surgery. I have mixed emotions about that because I am not where I’d thought I’d be at this milestone, but overall am proud of the progress I’ve made so far. 

I’m down a total of 30.8 lbs. I just literally broke the 200’s – but barely. I know the doctor said I’m  progressing just fine but I have put it a LOT of effort here with running and eating and just though I’d be closer to the 40 lbs+ milestone right now. 

Which speaking of food- I’m getting so bored with my diet. I am going to have to really start delving into some recipes to get some variety soon, or trigger foods are soon to become a real problem. I do well avoiding the kids after-school snacks but they are looking more and more enticing as the days of baked chicken, hamburger patties, and protein shakes consist of my daily diet. I did make a chicken and white bean chili tonight that is less spicy than the last batch I made-which was so good but my pouch can not handle anything with a semblance of spice yet-not even salsa for eggs.  Hope it’s a yummy change that I can handle.  Fingers crossed…

I’m a bit ambivalent these last weeks about my journey so far. Not in a bad way- I feel like if I focus less on the scale I am less stressed about the progress I am (not)/making and I can focus on the daily activity and routine of my food and diet. Plus, I’m just sort of tired of worrying right now-it’s taking away from some of the real progress am making on a daily basis.  That’s not to say I am not. I’m still thinking about it, just not obsessing about it. I hope that makes sense.  

Enough about WLS for right now. Some life and NSV wins

  • I’m killing it at work. Just started this job in May-my dream job/company- and I am kicking ass.  Hope this trend continues as my client load becomes more complex in 2016.
  • I found some workout skorts I love to workout in on clearance for $5 each and was able to get a Large! Not XL- large. And they fit well!
  • My old company is paying me premium to come in for two days this week and week after Thanksgiving to do some things I’m the only one who could do-which is really much needed cash. 
  • I’ve been killing it at C25k training and additional running training. Very proud of myself and the progress I’ve made. My goal is to run 3.5 mikes without stopping by my birthday and like an omen found one 5k race the day after in my town.
  • Husband notices BIG differences in my body. Happy!
  • Did I mention I only have 9 papers (not counting assignments) until I’m done with school forever?!
  • Relationships in my life are becoming more rich and I am able to reciprocate more than I ever have been able to (time management issues in the past).

I’m trying to dedicate more time to everyone’s blogs and stories because I really love this WordPress community and want to know others victories. I’m sorry I’ve been behind and promise to be more present going forward. I think about you all many times a day and wonder how each of you are doing. Just haven’t been able to catch up on my emails.  So sorry my responses will be delayed but I am reading and catching up over the next couple days. You all are so inspirational and just wonderful people- I’m so thankful to share your friendships. 

See you in the posts soon. Much love!


Glow Race


My daughter and I did our glow-in-the-dark 5k tonight. My best friend too, but not sure she would want her picture plastered here, lol. None of the post-race pictures came out very clear because it was dark, of course but this was us pre-race before we put on our glow-stick garb. 

So it’s been raining like crazy here this week and it was a huge mud puddle everywhere (slowed us down a bit) but we got lucky and didn’t get rained on during the race like we were expecting. 

Not thrilled with my time (49:39) -actually pretty surprised by it-but feeling really good after the race. Probably could have pushed myself a bit harder than I did. I was a little thrown off watching my feet the whole time because it was dark and there was mud and leaves everywhere, but I should have pushed myself to run more than I did. So next weekend’s race is a serious goal for a certain time window for me. My son will be racing with me next weekend and I’m sure he will push me to run a lot more-if he even stays with me, hahaha.  (He’ll probably leave me in the dust).  My daughter was great tonight too-she decided to do the c25k app then she stayed with me the rest of the race and really cheered me on.  

Update on my doctor visit yesterday-And I only had to wait 10 minutes to be seen! Win! I met with the nutritionist/fitness physiologist.  He told me I’m doing everything right, that I could keep my carbs down a little more- but other than that was losing at exactly the pace/amount expected for my starting surgery weight. He said I should probably start seeing the scale start moving again in a month. A month?! He said based on my measurement losses that I’m building lean muscle mass and it’s counter-acting the fat loses from a scale point of view. That my BMI was probably going down. It was great to hear all of that from him though. So, just have to keep trucking along like I am. 😜

Great week all in all! Crazy Sunday ahead of me! So, ‘night my wonderful WLS family!


Tuesday’s Musings

Happy Tuesday!

So I finally broke down today after a talk I had with a friend and made an appointment with my doctor’s office for Friday.  I had already taken the day off so I was glad to get in.  I asked to only see the nutritionist this time, so maybe they will actually see me in less than a 30 minute wait.  I refuse to be there more than two hours waiting to be called again!  If that happens I can assure you I’m hunting a new doctor that is more respectful of my time.  Will update on that.

I’ve been logging everything that goes into my mouth via MFP and maintaining my nutrient ratios and calorie intake.  Some days I’m a little over on carbs, but not by too much.  It mostly stems from fruit or my indulgence of cream of wheat some days.  Hey it’s packed with iron!  I seem to be right around 80g average a day on the protein.

Once again I’m stalled.  Which is having its effects on my motivation.  Annnnd I’ll just leave that topic there, because there’s no point in whining about my frustrations with this 2+ week stall – again.

I’m spending a good deal of time reflecting on the things that I am thankful for this month.  I know a lot of people like to take the month of November and do this.  I think it’s a good thing, and I started a couple of years ago.

Geez, I think about where I was a little over a year ago and am just blown away that I’m in the place that I am today.  My marriage has flipped upside-down (in the best way),  I finally took the leap and started a new career that I specifically wanted and managed to land, I’m almost done with my Master’s degree, I took this great big step for my health with VSG, and my relationship with God continues to grow every day.  It’s AMAZING how things can look so bleak one day and then be golden the very next.  Well, maybe not the next day, but all of the dramatic changes in my life are still so fresh and mind-blowing.

So, I’m just going to revel in my happiness and thankfulness this month and try not to worry about the scale.

More to come soon…


Food is Psychological

My husband just does NOT understand. 

He’s one of those who can eat and eat and eat and not worry about it. Let’s also add that he walks about 6-7 miles a day on his job. Weight for him has never ever been a battle and he love love loves food. 

We met family tonight from out of town for dinner. At a pizza joint. I asked him if I had to go (I knew it was going to be torture for me-I’m just not quite there yet). He made a big deal about it so, of course I went. 

I ended up eating a about a 1/4 of a chicken Cesar salad wrap which was really delicious. But I was really really thirsty the whole time and of course couldn’t drink anything. And surrounded by such ooie-gooie goodness of pizza and garlic knots all around me. I was miserable. I was really trying not to be – just ignore the food and carry on… But really I was.

My husband got a little pissy with me after we left and was like, what is wrong with you-you’re acting all bleh and down!  

Really. He just doesn’t understand. And I guess he won’t for as long as I am not used to this either. 

Other than being thirsty as everything, I was satisfied with my meal. Just, I don’t know, maybe the feeling of being forbidden from something..??

I keep correcting everyone that knows when they say “can you have that?”  My answer is “I can have anything I want, I just choose to make a better choice.”  Making those choices are definitely forced right now, true. 

I am excited for the day when they are natural choices and not a psychological battle. 

NSV- today I am able to get my wedding band off! I haven’t been able to get it off in almost a year! Woo hoo! 🙂

“Mommy Club”

So this post has nothing to do with VSG. Or weight loss.  This one is about not fitting in, and has nothing to do with being overweight. Just me I guess. And just a musing rant of a post. 

If you’re a parent this may make more sense to you…not sure. 

First let me say that I know I am a good mom. And my husband is a great father. And we couldn’t be more proud of the little people who are growing up in our house, humble, confident, driven, kind…

But let me try to explain the mommy club. It’s a real thing folks, I assure you, but it’s subtle-more of an undercurrent of the social acceptance of another layer of life’s facets, so to speak. I don’t write as eloquintly as Cameron, but I hope to bring my heart to this post, nonetheless. 

I have 3 kids ranging from 10-14.  Over the years they have been involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities with sports and dramatic arts and academia clubs, etc.  Complete with team moms, dad coaches, and parent volunteers.  Up until this May I’ve worked a full-time commuter job for all of my life. Let us not forget I’ve also been in school full-time for the last four years, finishing up my undergrad and then jumping into grad school right after. Adam works full time and also runs our small farm.  It’s been all we can do to get our kids to and from practices, games, parades, an the many add- on activities of a suburban community that’s painstakingly focused on youth sporting activities, on time.  Volunteer? With what time available exactly?  I’d love nothing more to be volunteering my time in the church, but cannot commit to anything but one-off events and have even been so bold as to be doing mission work in the DR for a week in April next year. (More to come on that later).  But at the end of the day we’ve got nothing in the tank. JV wrestling starts next week-which means 4-day week practices until 630 and a workout with the varsity team once a week and mandatory attendance to all varsity events a well as JV events. Oldest is auditioning for another play and if she gets cast again, there’s that, followed right on the heels, spring lacrosse. Get the picture?

I’m not complaining  about any of this, but this is where the not fitting in with the mommy club comes in though…

I get along with all of the moms- we shoot the breeze on those rare occasions I stay at practice and/or dont power walk the whole practice.  I wouldn’t say we’re buddies but we chit chat and laugh about stuff, etc the norm. But there’s always a slight distance that I’ve always just felt.  Like this one (me) is not like the others.  Not a one after all of these years, has invited me and Adam to the get togethers they have often on  weekends after games, where the kids play while the parents grill bear and wine it and generally have fun together.

And it’s not like I think they dislike me or think I’m weird or something. Maybe I just got the category of the ‘uninvolved’ parent?  I’m not uninvolved, but is that the perception?  We’re just going in 3 different directions and there’s only 2 of us.   

It’s a mommy club and I am not up to snuff somehow. It makes me sad a little, especially because I can’t figure out what to do about it. Is it because my kids don’t wear designer clothes? Is it because my kids dont have the right social standing? They aren’t in the ‘cool’ kids circle… Or more likely, it’s just me… Am I too intimidating? (I do have A-type,  contract negotiator presence in my career, but do I project that to others socially?)

I have a crew of adult friends that I’ve been close to and hanging with for 15 years. And a best friend who’s amazeballa (of course) so I am not lacking for really good friends. I just feel the distinction in my kids social circle and it’s weird and makes me feel insecure. 

I wanna be in the ‘mommy club’ too!  It’s just a feeling of not being accepted because I’m perceptively lacking something in the parent category because I can’t volunteer, bake cupcakes, chaperone outings, or be a teacher helper in the classroom. Really makes a girl feel inadequate somehow. 

So, that’s it-my musings for the day.  Hope everyone had an awesome Halloween and was able to avoid the ridiculous influx of candy in the house. (Seriously we probably have 6 lbs-no joke). We’re letting the kids pick out some favorites and donating all of the rest to my cousin who leaves for her mission trip to the Guatemala orphanage on Monday morning.  And they’re happy to do it. 

I may not be socially acceptably involved, but my kids aren’t lacking attention, direction, teachable moments, love, protection, and a fun relationship with their parents. 

I am my own mommy club I suppose.