Nope, Not happening

It’s 8:30p and I just want to go to bed. That’s me in a nutshell for the last week. Motivation? What’s that? Oh, and food? Gimme! 

Yes, my upped-dose meds have kicked in and buddy, it’s a big damn difference. And I am not liking it not one single bit. Not happening. Not going down like this. Done. 

I officially dropped my meds back down last night. It will take a week or two to get back to where I was, unfortunately. The hope is that the manic goes out the window with the rest. 

I haven’t gained any weight – which truth be told is a miracle because I am constantly starving. Trying to stuff my face with protein and fruit, but I promise I’m only winning half of that battle. I have run or KB all week. Oh I’ve gotten ready, dressed-hair up-but nope. Started a couple of times then just stopped. I don’t have it IN me. So hard to explain. It’s like you’re a walking zombie who’s hungry all of the time. 

I was afraid of this exactly. And like I told my BFF tonight-my gut instinct has never, ever been wrong. Proven over and over again, it never fails to be right. Why didn’t I listen this time? I should never have done this. But I thought, it’s for the greater good! Bullshit. I’m still in manic- only now I’m also a cast member for the Walking Dead – with peanut butter on a spoon in my hand! 

The “Weight” of my dilemma

So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

Great. 

So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

  1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
  2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

All things being equal…

 

A very personal post tonight, a glimpse into my family life…

Today was a day full of challenges, for sure. And they weigh heavy on my heart tonight and for a long time to come, I’m sure. 

Parenting is not a cake walk, never thought it would be or should be.  But there are times, many times when you wonder if you’re doing everything right by your kids.  Ever feel like your feet are dangling, and then you don’t know that when you put your feet on the ground what direction to you’re to take?

I have three amazing little people I brought into this world. Each one is so very different, and in many ways we parent each to their own individual personality. Yes there are standard principals and rules and consequences and morals we apply evenly through the home, but each child is guided based on their individual needs. Not all things are equal in this house. And right now, I’m struggling with that with regard to the challenges we currently face. 

I had a parent teacher conference with ALL of my son’s teachers today. I was mortified by the fact that I actually started crying. Yes, during the conference.  Dammit! Now, it’s not like what they were saying was incredibly horrible, at all.  It’s because he has a problem and I, as a parent, was not sure in those moments in front of these people, how I was going to help him.  Hence, the waterworks. 

Now I understand this is a controversial subject. I’m not here to debate it, I was a cynic myself until I had children.  I see value and shortcomings in ALL of the arguments on this subject-even my own take on it.  Be that as it may…

All three of my kids-each one with very very different learning abilities-have their father’s genetics of having ADD.  Behavior has never been an issue for any of them.  My son might be a bit hyperactive, but it’s more related to his self control abilities and not disciplinary behavior issues.  He’s a good kid and the teachers reaffirmed that to me today.  He’s respectful, polite, compassionate… and brilliant. I don’t say that beilliant part because I’m his mom, trust me-but my daughters, me, my husband-all of us are in a totally different ball field than him when it comes to his brain.

The reason for my heavy heart tonight is not because of his problem, per se, but because of the measures my husband and I are taking to hopefully alleviate some of the contributors to his problem in an effort to help him take control (sans medication). Special diet, chiropractic care, and quite possibly home school so he can control the environment he so desperately needs to control…(that’s him – not us or the teachers, it is actually his number one issue). I’ll save you the details because it would take a page or 5 to describe my sons personality and inner workings. That’s not the point tonight really. 

The point is however, that we (my husband and I) have been thinking in a tunnel I think. We’re only focusing on one child right now, when all three battle with the same affliction. Homeschool is not an option for my oldest – would not be beneficial to her at all. My youngest, that remains to be seen as of yet. We’ll have to cross that bridge soon though I’m pretty sure. She needs the live, hands on approach. But that’s not here or there for this post.  But…

What about the diet changes and chiropractic care? We didn’t even talk about that for my daughters. Why? Why are we not talking about those things for them too?! They each require very different ‘treatment’ options- they are not the same and this cannot be equal. But drastically changing their diet and taking them to a chiropractor renowned for improving the afflictions of ADD-those are just basic home-grown medicines we can give to all three of them to help, right?  To minimize the battle they fight every day in school as much as we can-so they can learn better in school. We can make these changes throughout the household easily, expense ignored.  And see if it actually does help one or all three of them. It can’t hurt to try for all of their sakes, surely… This one can be created equal in this house.  Will it help, I don’t know. My son will/does give 100% honing in on himself to take ADD by the balls without medication, which he vehemently opposes and we respect that (he is 13 and has a mind to determine that for himself). But what about my girls? My oldest has tried the no-medication route and it is not for her. My youngest is in the midst of evaluation so we dont know if that’s a tool for her yet. 

So I think that this has to be equal in this house- the diet and chiropractic care. Maybe the girls can be medication-free too, who knows. That would be like diamonds falling from the sky if that were the case. I don’t like medication for my children. But suffering from my own affliction (bi-polar) and seeing the positive change in my life because of medication, I can’t discard the value in that for my kids own afflictions either. It’s a very tight rope we walk on the subject. And one we take very seriously. 
All things in life are not created equal. Parenting is no different. 

But this one, this one might help all of them. 

Advise is welcomed, especially with regard to homeschooling in which I have just begun researching. Bashing is not, so I thank you for not doing it here. 

And thanks for the ear tonight…

Manic Monday 

What a great day! Ok, so don’t judge by the name of this post-I’m not really manic right now (I don’t think) but I have had a very good and very productive day!

  • I ate my planned foods on time today and took all of my vitamins!
  • Threw dinner for the fam in the crockpot (barely) in time.
  • I did my C25K training-TWICE! Got up at 530a and did it, got a hair up my arse and did it again at 230. And I did 2 more running stretches than the plan called for the second round too.  
  • I ordered my Insanity Max 30 DVDs!
  • Also-got massive (public) kudos from the boss man on my kick-ass performance Q3.  Yay me! 
  • Got all my school work done by 7 so I had time to spend with the family before bed-time!
  • I’m on a mission to get out of debt as soon as possible, so I’m starting a Dave Ramsy book tonight to get me on my way.   

I gained 2 lbs over the weekend, not sure how that happened. But I’m taking it in stride.

So all in all- stellar freaking day!  

How was your Monday?

Sucker punch

So you know how I said I overdid it yesterday? Well today I woke up feeling like I’d been drop-kicked in the stomach and felt that way all day. Not sure what the culprit was yesterday but man did it get me. 

I’m really trying to stay focused on the positive but I am getting discouraged. I don’t think they made my pouch small enough. I did a test tonight with macaroni. I ate almost a whole serving, almost hoping to get sick and prove to myself my pouch is indeed really small. I felt full (finally) but I did not feel sick or get sick. Wtf? I’m able to gulp water down without incident. I swear when I go in for my post-op I want drink that dye and see my pouch because right now I’m worried. I’m hungry, I don’t feel full most meals, and I’m weak and getting cranky. Plus I’m actually up a pound today- likely holding water because I haven’t been drinking enough over the last few days (but today I did).  

I see my fellow sleevers and talk to my girls from pre-op and I feel very different and alone. What if they didn’t cut enough? What if this was all for nothing? Trying not to be a Debbie-downer and maybe I’m  being too dramatic… I don’t know but my mind is all over the place with this. 

Maybe it’s my BP kicking in because my meds are dealing with this change in my body and thus they’re not as effective and its taking me down a spiral.  

So sorry for the gloom but I feel like I need to express it because maybe folks are having, or did have, the same experiences almost 2 weeks out. Just….*sigh*. These are not the issues/emotions I expected to be coping with at this stage. 

Gotta Reset my attitude tomorrow and try to believe they did cut me a decent pouch and move on. 

Sorry again guys, but I had to get it out.

It’s Tuesday!

And why am I glad it’s Tuesday you ask? Because tomorrow I get to start full liquids and this girl is verra happy about that! I’m going to miss my beef broth breakfast, really…

Yesterday was just a really crap day. Every drink made my pouch growl and grumble and bubble-it bordered painful! Work day was not the greatest, I definitely had a hard time sitting up for so long with my belly button incision. Not sure what they did down there but it is black and blue all around my belly button about 2″ out.  I tend to hunch over at my desk too (trying to work on that) so that didn’t help either. I had to lie down twice. Glad I hit the treadmill first thing in the morning because I was toast-and cranky-by the end of the day. 

I drove today for the first time since surgery. I must say our city roads could use some re-paving.  I was taking the kids to and fro all around and then-I was really glad to be home and not jostling my stomach around anymore. 

I was wondering if I was recovering slower than every other person in the sleeve community, but I’ve been texting with two other gals that had theirs the same day I did and they’re on the exact same track as me. Whew-I’m not a total weenie!

Still searching for that full feeling. I am really hoping that full liquids will give me that. I’m worried because one of the medications I take causes you to have massive cravings. I think it has something to do with a hormone in your body-I can’t remember what it’s called-but I read all about it.  It’s one of the reasons there is massive weight gain with the medication. Anyway, the big fear for the whole journey for both me and my husband is that the medication is going to interfere with the sleeve. I’ve talked to my doctor about switching me and the only other option I have I’ve already tried and cannot take – it makes me bat-shit crazy. Literally.  So it’s either my meds or no meds. Not really a consideration. One of my weight loss attempts was to actually go off of the meds and keep with the diet/excersize.  Um, nope. Didn’t work on many levels. So I’m anxious to have that full feeling so I don’t feel like I’m on a diet for the rest of my life.  Fingers crossed!

I’m so excited! Happy hump-day yall!

In the hands of others

I am having serious anxiety today. I’ve debated whether to share this on the blog or not but I feel compelled to.  So…. I am bi-polar and  am obviously under the medical care of a psychiatrist for maintenance of my medication.

So, those of you have been through the process understand the issue of clearance. So the ONLY thing I have pending is clearance from my psychologist that I am of sound mind to make my own medical decisions.

My psychologist is very old-school and not a fan of bariatric procedures in general.  He’s giving me a pretty opposing issue on writing the damn letter. And I seriously have my ass chapped about this predicament I find myself in. I never thought my personal decisions would be left in someone else’s opinion.  I have an appointment with him on Monday to talk it through- fingers crossed he concedes to sending in the letter after our talk.

But–I do have an alternative if he won’t clear me- it will just slow my surgery date by a week or two, at least.  I’ll just have to see the surgery center’s doctor in freaking Atlanta (45 mins away).

I’m so pissed off and anxious about the whole issue altogether.  It’s my body and I should be able to make decisions about it without holding out for a doctor with pre-disposed opinions about weight-loss surgery.

I’d love to hear from others who have had various stalls in clearance…