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Moving on down

So I have finally, finally broke the scale freeze and it’s moving. Slowly, by inches, but at least it’s not 178.4 any more! It’s 173.8. Whew-thought I’d never see the damn thing move again…

Honesty Check:

  • Still not meal planning. But I am making mostly good choices. 
  • I am running well. I get better every time. I can now run a whole 2 mile stretch without having to stop and walk for a minute or two.

I am getting ready for Vegas this weekend and am so excited I can barely sleep.  I have a crappy cold I can’t shake though-been hanging on over a week now. I am just hoping it will clear up before Friday…
I’m so pissed at work right now I could spit. So my performance review was amazeballs “you are amazing g and exceeding all expectation and your metrics are through the roof” BUT I am considered a new employee for a year. So the best rating possible for me because of my time is “progressing”. Which only entitles me to 50% of my annual bonus. And it will be prorated at that. Worse-just got the email tonight that of course bonus payouts are over 100% for every other fucking rating above ‘progressing’. Excuse my language but isn’t that just a salt rub on the stab wound? I could really have used my entitlement this year folks. I have surgery loans to pay off!

Ok there’s my rant for the evening… Xoxox 

Not Hiding

So I come to you all a little vulnerable tonight. Whatever my reasons, which are in no way shape or form good ones, my eating habits lately have fallen off a cliff. 

As I write I am curled into a ball on the floor of my sanctuary, writhing in pain from what must be over-indulgence today. I have received the clear message from my pouch that it is NOT happy and that I did it to her.  So I have spent some time really thinking about what I’ve eaten today and then taken a backwards looks at the last few weeks. In all honestly I would have to guess that 20% of the time I ate like I should; 80% not the best choices have been made.  I need to take back control, yesterday. 

Ive been reading bariatric forums on doing a “reset” on your pouch. One is 5 days and one is 10 days. Both resemble my post-op plan just reduced down to days rather than weeks. I think I’m going to do this starting right in the morning. Clear, full, mushy, bland solids shredded. Then back to the correct SOP. I really feel that this will reset my pouch and detox me of all of the sugars and carbs. I am pretty sure I’m going to do the 10. Better now than do more damage to my precious pouch. 

So send little prayers my way to keep me strong as I know the next 10 days will test me to the fullest. But it must be done.  

Anyone else had to do something similar to keep yourself on track or just make sure your pouch doesn’t get stretched? How’d it go?

Ramblings

I have no particular train of thought to share tonight. More like a random trail of what’s-on my-very-over-worked-brain tonight…

Had to take my car in for repairs today. Let me just tell you, the only warranty I believe in and will vehemently recommend to everyone I know, is the extended warranty on a car.  Seriously, it has paid for itself 4x over.  I found out I have only 2000 more miles to go before mine’s up. Can I get a “whew and thank you Jesus!”  And I’m trying to see if there’s such a thing as an extended extended warranty because I’m buying!

I have thought it was Thursday All. Freaking. Day.  It’s not. 

I have 5, five days of school left. Work is mad busy. So my bum hurts from sitting in my office chair for 16+ hours a day for the last week. And days since I last ran…10…I’m doing a run on Saturday dang it, my paper can wait an hour or two!

My scale is still stuck at 180.2.  What the what is happening here…I had a total freak out last night in my head about all of this. What if I fail? What if I stay at this weight for good? What if I gain all of my weight back? Blah blah blah. I was in a total dark place. Husband made a very good point about it though. He said I have battled my weight my whole life and it’s just crazy to think that fear is just going to go away. So true!

My pants are hanging off of me. Husband has started calling me “droopy drawers”. (Yes we’re southern). I need to get in my closet next week and see if I have any smaller pant sizes in there. Good problem to have…

I’m sure that, due to my stress level being so high right now, I am fighting major food battles.  All I can say is, thank heavens I work from home and have no crap food in the house!

I am SO looking forward to Tuesday. That is when I officially get back my Sunday’s, Monday nights and Thursday nights back!  I am going to train so hard!! And get back to meal planning! 

And writing much more-interesting-than-this blog posts. 😜

Tick-tock

11 days. (Seems my life right now is broken up into days…)

11 days and that scale has been stuck. Every morning I get on and the same number glares up at me. Every flipping morning now for -did I mention?- 11.  Eff’n. Days. 

I’m getting very antsy now. I have been so busy/stressed last week and was not able to exercise, between work and school and the total purge of the basement (we rented one of those construction sized dumpsters and only have it a couple of weeks so time is of the essence- we have a roommate moving in next weekend!) That’s a story for another post though. 

I have been taking in my water and vitamins diligently – the vitamins just the last three days straight since my ‘uh oh’ moment a few days ago. 

So in an effort to not obsess over the lack of movement on that scale I am going to celebrate some NSV’s please:

  • Doing really well with this new budgeting software. Took a few free classes to get it down and I think I get it, so I’m off and running. 
  • We went to out first small group Bible Study of the year tonight and everyone was amazed at how much weight I’ve lost and told me I looked amazing and really didn’t need to lose anymore I looked fabulous. I was very close to admitting my surgery to them as they kept asking what I was doing. My knee-jerk response to that question has been “everything imaginable”. But this group is such a blessing and I’m almost certain no judgement would be made. I almost told them but the conversation kept moving and it just didn’t seem like the right time to say it. But they were very warm and genuinely happy for me.  I told them I had 40 more lbs to go and they were genuinely like ‘from where!?’
  • My ‘skinny’ boot it jeans that I’ve been wearing officially fall off my arse constantly.  I think they’re 14s.  
  • Got my hair done Friday and it looks amazing. Also I finally found the perfect lipstick color and wear that is really really flattering. It’s the little things sometimes that can make you feel confident and keep you from shying away from the group.
  • I took the BIG cumulative exam for my major and got a B-.  I am relieved it’s over but irritated the test was an MBA test not a MAOM specific test, as there were 3 classes that were covered that weren’t in my program. I’ve never had a statistics class in my life, global foreign affairs, nor information technology systems.  I will be writing a letter to the school about this too. But all ended well with a B and it’s over. One more big paper and 2 more assignments and done. DONE. 
  • Wedding ring is slippery on the finger now. Having to do ring check often to make sure it’s still there and hasn’t slipped off. 

So, some great NSVs to dance about and feeling good. Hopefully I can get this crazy week that coming and get me some miles logged on the treadmill in the midst-I neeeeed them. 

So move scale move. Before I start getting really worried. I’m not ready for a stall… 

PSA-Take Your Vitamins!

 
This is for all of my new and pre-surgery sleevers — Take Your Vitamins!

Don’t be me. The one who hasn’t taken her vitamins in 2 or 3 weeks. (I know, don’t blast me, I know)

But-I’m paying the price right now, let me tell you. This week I have felt like I did an iron man, run a marathon, And then got dragged around by a truck. I’m so freaking tired, sleeping like the dead-never long enough, and my mental faculties are just tapped (and I really need those right now!). 

I’ve been wondering what the hell, I don’t feel like I’m getting sick…and then it kind of hit me tonight. Holy crap I have not been taking my vitamins! How on earth have I been forgetting those, every day? I know how, I moved them out of my routine spot and have had a shit ton on my plate…still no excuse, but there it is. 

So don’t be me and find yourself crashed out. Take your vitamins every day – like it’s your job. 

10 Things I’ve Learned So Far

Taking a page from a friend and fellow blogger, I wanted to reflect on the top-10 things I’ve learned since having my surgery in September. 

  1. Every journey is unique. It’s so easy, and c’mon, so natural for us to compare our losses and successes to others like us-those who have had the surgery or are going though the process. Just like every single doctor that each of us have, the plans are not the same. Our bodies and medical conditions and personal battles with food are not the same. We will each go through this uniquely. 
  2. I am not a patient person. I know this about myself, so maybe this really doesn’t count as things I’ve learned. But patience is key. You cannot just wake-up one day without a food addiction.  This has been such an eye-opener. Look I didn’t expect that I would, truth is I never hyper-focused on my very real addiction until after my surgery when it really showed itself in true colors. But now I want it gone. Like, yesterday. I fight every day and will keep fighting, but I can’t wait until the fight doesn’t feel like a scene from Spartacus. 
  3. My confidence will be restored. Whether it’s all of the endorphins from working out, the healthier food, or the clothes that no longer fit, I feel good. My husband and friends have noticed a huge difference in my interactions with them and in public -I am more myself again. Light, funny and not apart. I didn’t really realize that I had effectively made myself a bit of a recluse. More somber, quiet, no longer life of the party, no spiritually enlightening conversations, or brainstorming the possibilities of life and the hilarity that comes from doing that with friends you’ve had in your life for over 12 years. So I see a little more of myself every day in the mirror.  The face, eyes and smiles that have crept back into my psychie. I am starting to like me again. 
  4. Future clothes shopping (without buying) is fun. I have an Amazon addiction. More importantly, I have ‘Wish List’ addiction. Exploring the possibilities of wearing very different colors, patterns, and rocking a new style is fun.  And all I have to do is click ‘save to wish list’. It’s like personal vision board for clothes. It’s cathartic to me.
  5. Meal planning is the only thing that works. Whether your planning you family’s menu for the week or planning you own (you should do both) it is seriously the only ritual that must be done in order to keep you on track. You might get to a point as far into the journey where you can wing it-you’ve got it down pat-I’d still recommend advanced meal planning. When you walk out of your office hungry and are faced with your favorite chips as the first thing you see, if you already have a meal prepared in the fridge or lunchbox-already you’re 10x less likely to nibble on those chips. Let’s not forget you’re ensuring adequate nutrition for the day by having a plan. 
  6. Progress moves. Whether it’s a scale loss, stall or up a couple of pounds you’re still moving forward. Measurements, exercise, good food choices, proper water intake, NSVs- you’re moving. And it’s progress. It moves all around you like water in the ocean, swirling from all different directions but ultimately pushing you to its destination – the wave making it to the glorious sand – where you’ll finally sink in your feet and raise your eyes to the brighter sky. 
  7. NSVs are 10x more potent than SVs. When you finally break through that which was impossible, or holding you back, or situations that plagued you, those are the ones that make you squeal with delight and make you feel like “Yes!”  Bet you dont quite get that from just a pound or two loss on the scale this morning. 
  8. There is no reason to mourn food. You are not depriving yourself-this isn’t a diet. It’s a way of life, a way to health. Relish the idea that one day, if you keep it up, you won’t want to choose the crap you once craved. Emotional eating may still be your battle but instead of pastries and alcohol you’ll feed it with fuel food and herbal tea. Kale will be your candy! Well, maybe not, but either way you’ll want to eat the good stuff. White bean chicken chili is my new comfort food, especially in this cold weather. 
  9. Daily meditation and self-reflection is critical. Getting right with yourself everyday is as essential to your spirit as prayer and worship of our Lord. You have to get in touch with yourself to understand where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going to keep yourself-not just focused, sure-but that you’re still you and that you love you. You must find that love, even if you don’t think you’ve ever had it before. All the more reason to do this. I have a wall heater in my bathroom, and carpet in the main area. I sit in my spot in front of that heater every night, turn on my relaxation sounds, and reflect. Very effective for learning to love myself again. 
  10. I am not alone and I CAN do it! Whether it’s support from the people around me or from those who read and comment on my blog (thank you) and inviting me into their own journeys to share and celebrate their triumphs and success, this community is everything. We can’t, nor should we, do this alone.  I know I can do it, because I am doing it, and have an awesome support system that’s got my back even when I trip. You all rock!

While I’ve learned so much more than these ten things, these are those that reflect what’s top of mind for me right now. My motivational quote for this week: 

Look in the mirror. The only competition you have is you.

This is specifically speaking to my workout goals for this week, BUT I can see the appropriateness of this  quote for our journeys as well. Either way, you win. Embrace that!

Off to my heater and meditation time! See you soon,

Amanda 😘

    Hunger Pains

     I’m not sure what happened with my body, but it did not get the memo about not being very hungry and having to ‘make sure’ to eat. It may have to do with the meds I take-one of them has been proven to increase appetite-but man-o-man I get like raging hungry all of the time. Seriously if I don’t eat every 3-4 hours my stomach is literally eating itself! I’m sad about that. I have to admit, it’s been cause to put me in situations where I make a bad choice in food items because the alternative is going several more hours without. Tonight, thank heavens there was a GNC nearby and I ran in and bought one of their cold protein shakes from the cooler.  Crisis averted whew!  But as I sipped (gulped like a fish) my shake on the sidewalk and looked around… Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy’s, Bojangles…

    I counted my lucky stars for the GNC. 

    But it got me thinking. I really need to keep my car or purse stocked with go to items for these occasions which are occurring often because of my busy schedule. I hate protein bars, have not found one yet I don’t need to spit out upon first bite.  Wait, I take that back-none that I’ve purchased. I made a batch of oatmeal protein bars a bit ago and they were pretty good. Just have to cut that recipe in half because it made SO many. And putting that on the grocery list…

    Any other sleevers suffer with raging hunger like I do, post-op? Any advice or good on the go food ideas?

    Objectives Overwhelmed

    Ok, so there are so many pros to making goals and lists. They are necessary and help keep you focused. I live by lists – I even have  a very specific symbol system in place–deltas, astrisks, bullets, arrows, circles — you get the picture. 

    I am hyper-focused this New Year and I am determined to get several things accomplished. Oddly enough, only one of these goals relates to weight loss. Well two-weekly food planning and daily fitness routines. But that’s an everyday task goal not necessarily a long-term goal on the list. Yes I’m present in my journey, but it’s separate from what I’m talking about here

    So what’s the problem? Well, let me make a list… Kidding. Sort-of… 

    My long-term goals require quite a bit of preparation, planning, researching, and data input to kick them off. So those objectives are in the 3-month goal category. And the the tasks to meet those objectives are broken down and prioritized into the next 12 or so weeks. These tasks must be completed for any single goal to work and get me to my long-term achievement.  They are, on their own, the launch pads for the bigger goals if you will.  For example, one goal is overhauling my finances and building a realistic budget to live by… The prep work has to be compiled and put into a budget plan before we can follow it.   That was example A, but I have like A through E in the 3 month goal category that will lay the path for 1 year and 3 year goals.  All of these on my list are important to my family. They will change everything about the way we live now and prepare for what’s to come. I’ve been praying about it hard for months and God has placed it on my heart to take action. I’m listening and getting to work. 

    Annnnd, with my final stretch of grad school in full effect for the next 4 weeks, work changes and challenges hitting, oh yeah and life happening…I find myself a bit daunted by the sheer volume of work that needs to be done before the end of March. Taking it one day and one week at a time to stay focused and trying not to think of all of the tasks on the full list at once. But I’m looking to the future and it’s hard not to think about the things that need to be done now and not feel a wee overwhelmed. 

    Overwhelmed has previously led me straight to the cupboards for munchies. I swear I needed munchies while I did homework and research papers and that has been cold turkey cut out since surgery. But the itch still exists – I just overcome it with water and pep-talks. Lots of pep talks that usually go something like this, “$14k. $14k! A better workout tomorrow. A healthier you. Don’t get up and graze the kitchen! Just don’t” 9x out of 10 I win. But not every time. And then guilt plagues. Stress and guilt – a recipe for depression. And, as the scale indicates, a recipe for stalls. 

    Taking a step aside from WLS, any advice from my fellows to tackle the overwhelmed compulsive eater? Or even the goals and tasks process?  Much appreciated…

    Great Start

    This is just a quickie post tonight.  More a status update…

    I am pretty certain my ankle is all healed up now, I’ve run a few times this week and not had any problems at all.  Super excited about that! I had a GREAT run today-I would have to say it might have been my best one yet. I am still interval training but my run pace is getting stronger and faster. I’ve been reading a number of articles about beginner running lately. So I will be striving for 10-12 miles a week and staying put with that until I can run all of it, then start gradually adding more distance. The goal now is to run a full 5k by summer. I think my original plan for March has gotten too far off track since the sprain to be realistic now.

    I did a full menu plan with recipes for the family this week. I wasn’t quite as successful with my own planning, other than writing down a few meal ideas.  But no “I will eat this for lunch on Monday…etc.”. Main reason for this lack of personal planning for myself? We had a cow emergency that took up my whole evening. All is well there but that left my meal planning for tomorrow’s to-do list. 

    I’m loving my passion planner. I haven’t actually received the planner yet-I’ve been using print-outs in the mean time- but it’s been a great tool and has really helped pinpoint my goals, weekly and daily objectives, and of course, to-do lists. 

    One little thing I’ve gotten myself into -that’s pretty superficial but FUN- is makeup techniques.  I am pretty good with makeup now but  I’m just trying different things I’ve been gobbling up from Pinterest and You Tube. And I am absolutely obsessed with rocking red lipstick this year (have to find the right shade).  And while I don’t wear makeup when I workout, I’ve decided I will wear lipstick.  Random, I know but hey it’s like a good song that pumps you up.  Whatever-makeup is just something that can make you feel pretty, I guess. I don’t wear it often now that I work from home, but when I do I want to own it. Again, just fun stuff but sharing anyways. 

    So in all, 2016 is off to a great (and fun) start! 

    It’s back to work in the morning so it’s time for bed! Have a great Monday y’all!