The “Weight” of my dilemma

So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

Great. 

So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

  1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
  2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

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8 thoughts on “The “Weight” of my dilemma

  1. Crikey Amanda, that really is a rock and a hard place.
    I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say to be honest.
    Strangely enough I was planning on halving my meds from next week as I was thinking they too are starting the cycle of weight gain.
    It is such a tricky path we follow when there are other things to be taken into consideration. Do we do the manic or the miserable just in order to stay thinner?
    Do we do normal but get fatter.
    I think this is where our own balancing acts come in to play.
    Good luck is all I can say and if you need to chat, you know where I am.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry you’re faced with the same dilemma. Thank you-I may take you up on that chat too! It’s really an unfair predicament, we fight so hard to get healthy and lose the weight and it’s threatened by something else we cannot control…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Where you’re at is a hard place to be in. Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is best for you. If you feel like you need to be manic in order to maintain your health, then who is anyone else to say you should do otherwise? I wish you the best and I’m sorry you are in a crappy place right now!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Honestly I think my family are the ones who bear the heavy burden of my disorder most, unfortunately. I’m not bat-shit crazy when I’m manic but I do go from 0 to rage in a heartbeat… We’ll see I suppose. If I level out soon and can drop back down and STAY level it will be ideal.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Amanda, I know you are in a tough spot. Although I’m not sure I can say anything to help, just know that I’m here if you need to chat. xoxo

    Like

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