The “Weight” of my dilemma

So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

Great. 

So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

  1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
  2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

Advertisements

7 Month Sleevaversary 

The results are in and it’s clear I’ve reached a stall of epic proportions. I’m not even going to try and sugar coat it – I am scared. 

So the last three months have seen very slow progress in terms of the scale- but the inches were totally coming off. 

This month? Neither are shaking out.  At all. Have I reached my bottom? But I still have 25 lbs to go! This can’t be happening yet!!

-2.6 lbs this month-that’s it! And I’ve only lost .75 inches, but somehow put 2 inches back on my waist! Now, I am wondering if my torso is just shaking itself out because I now only have just the slightest hint of back-fat, whereas last month I still had a roll to go. So maybe it’s just moving down…??

Truth be told, I know I have to get myself back into gear when it comes to protein/water/calorie intake–I’m just not getting enough of either every day and I know this. I must cut carbs back too. I’ve put my exercise into high gear but my diet has some work to do, for sure. 

I have got to get it together totally and all around if I am to meet my goal. Let’s see if I can break this stall before my next month weigh-in…

🙏😭😔

Bu-Bye Crossfit

So I did Crossfit for about a year and a half before I had surgery. I absolutely despised it the entire time. Quite honestly I think the only reason I did it at all was because it was something my husband and I did together. 

We’re talking anxiety attacks and yes, sobbing, on the way to the box almost every time. Many times I cried during Crossfit too. I thought it had to be my weight and because I was trying to sling around 240 lbs that’s why it made me so miserable. 

So I thought/hoped that maybe now it might not be bad-that because I’ve lost all of this weight it wouldn’t just totally suck anymore. Plus it was still something my husband and I could do together. He doesn’t run at all so it’s not like that was an option. So I (thank God) IM’d the Crossfit coach and was straight with him. Said I was anxious about coming back and signing a contract, only to realize I still f’g hated it. So he told me I could just do a punch card first and then at the end of the month see what’s up. Ok, I can handle that…

So I went April 1st. Dreaded it the whole day. Hated everything about it while I was doing it and my outlook was grim after I was finished. Crap. 

I need to add something more to my exercise than just running and yoga-but I’m really not disciplined to do strength trianing from an app or Pinterest–what in the world was I going to do?

One golden nugget fell into my lap as we waited for the Crossfit class to begin that night. One of the ladies was talking about how she had done this and that and everything was just too Boring for her. Then I heard her mention ‘the kickboxing gym in (my town)’. I think I knocked someone over as I reeled around with great interest in finding out more about this kickboxing gym. Here? We have a real kickboxing gym close by? Apparently we do. And I was vera, vera excited about that!! I did real kickboxing in late Highschool and loved it. Then we moved to GA after I graduated and I have just never found one that was the real deal anywhere near me so didn’t get back into it. So of course the next opportunity I got I stopped into said gym. They do kickboxing, muiy tai (sp?) kickboxing, boxing and Crossfit. You’re not limited to days you can go or which activity – you can do CF then walk right over and do the kickboxing class then stay for open gym, 6 days a week! And it’s only $20 more a month! 

I took my first class to make sure they were the real deal – no gi and lots of sweat. I swiped my card right after class was over. And every time I go I am so excited and pumped to get there and do it. This is what I needed- this is not only motivation, but a hella workout and the best one-on-one personal trianing I’ve ever seen. I am in love! So running-check. Yoga-check. Now kickboxing-check! So freaking excited! I’m bruised and blistered and starting to get a little calloused, and I’m sore like I should be using all of these muscles in new ways so I know the results are sure to come. 

Moral of the story – find the workouts that get you jazzed. Don’t fit yourself into a box that you think you should be in to get a workout in. 

On the running front, I am making HUGE progress. 6 months ago I was running a 16:30 average mile. Now I’m doing under 13! I’m almost there to goal – May 21 is the Big Day–the 1st goal race. Running the entire race without stopping to walk at all. I’m close. So close. Getting better every time. Still not getting over 10 miles a week like I want to but I’m getting 8-9 miles… Not too far off. I don’t get nervous before a run anymore. I’m not interval trianing anymore either. Just the MMR app that tells me pace and distance as I go and then logs it in my history. 

Yoga in the mornings, running in the afternoon (as many days as work allows) and kickboxing in the evening (as many days as kid’s sports allow). Here I come healthy!! 

My 7 month sleevaversary is Saturday. Husband has a Warrior Dash obstacle race the afternoon and then I have a 5k that night so I think Sunday we’ll do measurements. Let’s see where I’m at…  

Xoxo