After a 4 month hiatus (really accidental) I saw my therapist tonight. She was really pleased with my progress so far – apparently she counsels many bariatric patients and told me that many of them are not successful because they do not follow the plan. I was surprised by that. Not sure why but I was…
What was kind of an “ah ha” moment tonight for me was the fact that I realized something important. What the difference is…
I had effectively turned myself-a typically light and boisterous personality-inward over the course of many years. I stayed quiet and, truth be told, kind of a Debby-downer. I could see it, but didn’t know why or how to change it. Didn’t associate it to my weight, just truly believed I was must be getting boring as I grew older and didn’t have much to contribute.
What I realized – through effective theraputic guidance, was that I’ve been embarrassed. I was ashamed for my kids friends and parents to meet me, “that’s your mom?!”, or for my husband’s colleagues to meet or see me, “that’s your wife?!” Or to be in public and invisible to everyone because I was that fat lady. Look, I see a therapist because I have some eff’d up dialogue that goes on my head about myself, I get it. But it all boils down to – I was embarrassed. She explained to me that with embarrassment comes shame, guilt, and a feeling of being overwhelmed all of the time. Considering I am bi-polar, that wasn’t a good ingredient to asd to my mental well being.
But, trying to explain what’s different – why I am breaking back into life with fervor – is not simply associated with weight loss. More than that, it’s the loss of embarrassment.
I am still overweight no doubt. But I am at least at a point where I don’t think it’s the only thing people see when they look at me. Maybe because it’s not the first thing I see anymore when I look at me that allows me to start shining through?
She asked me if there was anything I had discovered about myself in the last four months. Um….well, let me think about that for a bit. Ask yourself that same question…really, chew on that for a minute…what’s yours?
I do t know if it’s the weather or what, but I am dragging this week! Seriously it 8p and I am two clicks from lights out! Anyone else feeling the winter dreary? 😴