I cannot describe this feeling…

 
I did it. I just hit “submit” on the very last paper I’ll ever have to write for school!  Ever! It’s not ‘official’ until my grade posts later this week, but I’m counting it as DONE!

I literally can’t stop smiling right now. Oh my God, I’ve been in school (bachelors and masters) for 5 years! I took a 6 month break between degrees but I knew it was just a break. I was going to jump right back in.  This time I know, I’m like done for good.  The relief I feel is overwhelming. The pride I feel is amazing. 

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Thirsty Thursday

 

There’s a whole pool of water!! gimme gimmie!!

Have you ever been SO thirsty that you just could not drink enough water to quench it no matter how much you drank?

Let me tell you what that kind of day means to a sleeved person. Because I had that kind of day today. 

Sip, sip, sip.  But you can only sip, sip, sip up to 4-6ozs.  After that it has no where to go – but to come back up apparently. 

I tied swish, swish, swich to see if that helped my thirsty self. Didn’t help. So, in an effort not to dehydrate myself any further by throwing up more than I was taking in, I really just kind of had to be miserable all day and drink in hour increments. Even then I wasnt filling the tank too much. Needless to say I didn’t eat much today.  I needed water more than food today, I promise. 
What’s my body trying to tell me? I have been good getting my fluids in over the last couple of week, like-really good-so I don’t see how I could just be dehydrated? This usually happens in the early phases of post-op, but I’m over 4 months in. Does anyone me have some notion?  Google just tells me I have cancer and bariatric web boards just seem to be early post ops having a hard time getting fluids in. 

Man I hope I’m not this overwhelmingly thirsty tomorrow! I’ll try Popsicles and sonic Ice chips to help if so. 

Ramblings

I have no particular train of thought to share tonight. More like a random trail of what’s-on my-very-over-worked-brain tonight…

Had to take my car in for repairs today. Let me just tell you, the only warranty I believe in and will vehemently recommend to everyone I know, is the extended warranty on a car.  Seriously, it has paid for itself 4x over.  I found out I have only 2000 more miles to go before mine’s up. Can I get a “whew and thank you Jesus!”  And I’m trying to see if there’s such a thing as an extended extended warranty because I’m buying!

I have thought it was Thursday All. Freaking. Day.  It’s not. 

I have 5, five days of school left. Work is mad busy. So my bum hurts from sitting in my office chair for 16+ hours a day for the last week. And days since I last ran…10…I’m doing a run on Saturday dang it, my paper can wait an hour or two!

My scale is still stuck at 180.2.  What the what is happening here…I had a total freak out last night in my head about all of this. What if I fail? What if I stay at this weight for good? What if I gain all of my weight back? Blah blah blah. I was in a total dark place. Husband made a very good point about it though. He said I have battled my weight my whole life and it’s just crazy to think that fear is just going to go away. So true!

My pants are hanging off of me. Husband has started calling me “droopy drawers”. (Yes we’re southern). I need to get in my closet next week and see if I have any smaller pant sizes in there. Good problem to have…

I’m sure that, due to my stress level being so high right now, I am fighting major food battles.  All I can say is, thank heavens I work from home and have no crap food in the house!

I am SO looking forward to Tuesday. That is when I officially get back my Sunday’s, Monday nights and Thursday nights back!  I am going to train so hard!! And get back to meal planning! 

And writing much more-interesting-than-this blog posts. 😜

Tick-tock

11 days. (Seems my life right now is broken up into days…)

11 days and that scale has been stuck. Every morning I get on and the same number glares up at me. Every flipping morning now for -did I mention?- 11.  Eff’n. Days. 

I’m getting very antsy now. I have been so busy/stressed last week and was not able to exercise, between work and school and the total purge of the basement (we rented one of those construction sized dumpsters and only have it a couple of weeks so time is of the essence- we have a roommate moving in next weekend!) That’s a story for another post though. 

I have been taking in my water and vitamins diligently – the vitamins just the last three days straight since my ‘uh oh’ moment a few days ago. 

So in an effort to not obsess over the lack of movement on that scale I am going to celebrate some NSV’s please:

  • Doing really well with this new budgeting software. Took a few free classes to get it down and I think I get it, so I’m off and running. 
  • We went to out first small group Bible Study of the year tonight and everyone was amazed at how much weight I’ve lost and told me I looked amazing and really didn’t need to lose anymore I looked fabulous. I was very close to admitting my surgery to them as they kept asking what I was doing. My knee-jerk response to that question has been “everything imaginable”. But this group is such a blessing and I’m almost certain no judgement would be made. I almost told them but the conversation kept moving and it just didn’t seem like the right time to say it. But they were very warm and genuinely happy for me.  I told them I had 40 more lbs to go and they were genuinely like ‘from where!?’
  • My ‘skinny’ boot it jeans that I’ve been wearing officially fall off my arse constantly.  I think they’re 14s.  
  • Got my hair done Friday and it looks amazing. Also I finally found the perfect lipstick color and wear that is really really flattering. It’s the little things sometimes that can make you feel confident and keep you from shying away from the group.
  • I took the BIG cumulative exam for my major and got a B-.  I am relieved it’s over but irritated the test was an MBA test not a MAOM specific test, as there were 3 classes that were covered that weren’t in my program. I’ve never had a statistics class in my life, global foreign affairs, nor information technology systems.  I will be writing a letter to the school about this too. But all ended well with a B and it’s over. One more big paper and 2 more assignments and done. DONE. 
  • Wedding ring is slippery on the finger now. Having to do ring check often to make sure it’s still there and hasn’t slipped off. 

So, some great NSVs to dance about and feeling good. Hopefully I can get this crazy week that coming and get me some miles logged on the treadmill in the midst-I neeeeed them. 

So move scale move. Before I start getting really worried. I’m not ready for a stall… 

PSA-Take Your Vitamins!

 
This is for all of my new and pre-surgery sleevers — Take Your Vitamins!

Don’t be me. The one who hasn’t taken her vitamins in 2 or 3 weeks. (I know, don’t blast me, I know)

But-I’m paying the price right now, let me tell you. This week I have felt like I did an iron man, run a marathon, And then got dragged around by a truck. I’m so freaking tired, sleeping like the dead-never long enough, and my mental faculties are just tapped (and I really need those right now!). 

I’ve been wondering what the hell, I don’t feel like I’m getting sick…and then it kind of hit me tonight. Holy crap I have not been taking my vitamins! How on earth have I been forgetting those, every day? I know how, I moved them out of my routine spot and have had a shit ton on my plate…still no excuse, but there it is. 

So don’t be me and find yourself crashed out. Take your vitamins every day – like it’s your job. 

10 More Days – hell week

Ten. More. Days. Of HELL, but hey it’s only ten days, right?

I have a 2-hour program major exam this week and a 12-page paper due on the 31st by midnight. (In the middle of this, I just got two new clients at work and have been configuring sites like mad).

I WILL BE A GRADUATE!  What I’ve always wanted – my Master’s Degree!!! 🎓

 

I barely made it y’all. Between my marriage falling apart (at the time-all better now) through the first year of this program, starting a new career in the middle, and having to take a course twice, this was a true struggle. I will graduate with a 3.2 GPA so I guess I didn’t scrape it totally, but it has taken everything in me to get here.

So, send me little prayers to get me through the last stretch…I’m gonna need ’em!

Therapy=Enlightenment

After a 4 month hiatus (really accidental) I saw my therapist tonight. She was really pleased with my progress so far – apparently she counsels many bariatric patients and told me that many of them are not successful because they do not follow the plan. I was surprised by that. Not sure why but I was…

What was kind of an “ah ha” moment tonight for me was the fact that I realized something important. What the difference is…

I had effectively turned myself-a typically light and boisterous personality-inward over the course of many years.   I stayed quiet and, truth be told, kind of a Debby-downer. I could see it, but didn’t know why or how to change it. Didn’t associate it to my weight, just truly believed I was must be getting boring as I grew older and didn’t have much to contribute. 

What I realized – through effective theraputic guidance, was that I’ve been embarrassed. I was ashamed for my kids friends and parents to meet me, “that’s your mom?!”, or for my husband’s colleagues to meet or see me, “that’s your wife?!” Or to be in public and invisible to everyone because I was that fat lady. Look, I see a therapist because I have some eff’d up dialogue that goes on my head about myself, I get it. But it all boils down to – I was embarrassed. She explained to me that with embarrassment comes shame, guilt, and a feeling of being overwhelmed all of the time.  Considering I am bi-polar, that wasn’t a good ingredient to asd to my mental well being. 

But, trying to explain what’s different – why I am breaking back into life with fervor – is not simply associated with weight loss. More than that, it’s the loss of embarrassment. 

I am still overweight no doubt. But I am at least at a point where I don’t think it’s the only thing people see when they look at me.  Maybe because it’s not the first thing I see anymore when I look at me that allows me to start shining through?

She asked me if there was anything I had discovered about myself in the last four months. Um….well, let me think about that for a bit. Ask yourself that same question…really, chew on that for a minute…what’s yours?

I do t know if it’s the weather or what, but I am dragging this week! Seriously it 8p and I am two clicks from lights out! Anyone else feeling the winter dreary? 😴

10 Things I’ve Learned So Far

Taking a page from a friend and fellow blogger, I wanted to reflect on the top-10 things I’ve learned since having my surgery in September. 

  1. Every journey is unique. It’s so easy, and c’mon, so natural for us to compare our losses and successes to others like us-those who have had the surgery or are going though the process. Just like every single doctor that each of us have, the plans are not the same. Our bodies and medical conditions and personal battles with food are not the same. We will each go through this uniquely. 
  2. I am not a patient person. I know this about myself, so maybe this really doesn’t count as things I’ve learned. But patience is key. You cannot just wake-up one day without a food addiction.  This has been such an eye-opener. Look I didn’t expect that I would, truth is I never hyper-focused on my very real addiction until after my surgery when it really showed itself in true colors. But now I want it gone. Like, yesterday. I fight every day and will keep fighting, but I can’t wait until the fight doesn’t feel like a scene from Spartacus. 
  3. My confidence will be restored. Whether it’s all of the endorphins from working out, the healthier food, or the clothes that no longer fit, I feel good. My husband and friends have noticed a huge difference in my interactions with them and in public -I am more myself again. Light, funny and not apart. I didn’t really realize that I had effectively made myself a bit of a recluse. More somber, quiet, no longer life of the party, no spiritually enlightening conversations, or brainstorming the possibilities of life and the hilarity that comes from doing that with friends you’ve had in your life for over 12 years. So I see a little more of myself every day in the mirror.  The face, eyes and smiles that have crept back into my psychie. I am starting to like me again. 
  4. Future clothes shopping (without buying) is fun. I have an Amazon addiction. More importantly, I have ‘Wish List’ addiction. Exploring the possibilities of wearing very different colors, patterns, and rocking a new style is fun.  And all I have to do is click ‘save to wish list’. It’s like personal vision board for clothes. It’s cathartic to me.
  5. Meal planning is the only thing that works. Whether your planning you family’s menu for the week or planning you own (you should do both) it is seriously the only ritual that must be done in order to keep you on track. You might get to a point as far into the journey where you can wing it-you’ve got it down pat-I’d still recommend advanced meal planning. When you walk out of your office hungry and are faced with your favorite chips as the first thing you see, if you already have a meal prepared in the fridge or lunchbox-already you’re 10x less likely to nibble on those chips. Let’s not forget you’re ensuring adequate nutrition for the day by having a plan. 
  6. Progress moves. Whether it’s a scale loss, stall or up a couple of pounds you’re still moving forward. Measurements, exercise, good food choices, proper water intake, NSVs- you’re moving. And it’s progress. It moves all around you like water in the ocean, swirling from all different directions but ultimately pushing you to its destination – the wave making it to the glorious sand – where you’ll finally sink in your feet and raise your eyes to the brighter sky. 
  7. NSVs are 10x more potent than SVs. When you finally break through that which was impossible, or holding you back, or situations that plagued you, those are the ones that make you squeal with delight and make you feel like “Yes!”  Bet you dont quite get that from just a pound or two loss on the scale this morning. 
  8. There is no reason to mourn food. You are not depriving yourself-this isn’t a diet. It’s a way of life, a way to health. Relish the idea that one day, if you keep it up, you won’t want to choose the crap you once craved. Emotional eating may still be your battle but instead of pastries and alcohol you’ll feed it with fuel food and herbal tea. Kale will be your candy! Well, maybe not, but either way you’ll want to eat the good stuff. White bean chicken chili is my new comfort food, especially in this cold weather. 
  9. Daily meditation and self-reflection is critical. Getting right with yourself everyday is as essential to your spirit as prayer and worship of our Lord. You have to get in touch with yourself to understand where you’ve been, where you are, and where you’re going to keep yourself-not just focused, sure-but that you’re still you and that you love you. You must find that love, even if you don’t think you’ve ever had it before. All the more reason to do this. I have a wall heater in my bathroom, and carpet in the main area. I sit in my spot in front of that heater every night, turn on my relaxation sounds, and reflect. Very effective for learning to love myself again. 
  10. I am not alone and I CAN do it! Whether it’s support from the people around me or from those who read and comment on my blog (thank you) and inviting me into their own journeys to share and celebrate their triumphs and success, this community is everything. We can’t, nor should we, do this alone.  I know I can do it, because I am doing it, and have an awesome support system that’s got my back even when I trip. You all rock!

While I’ve learned so much more than these ten things, these are those that reflect what’s top of mind for me right now. My motivational quote for this week: 

Look in the mirror. The only competition you have is you.

This is specifically speaking to my workout goals for this week, BUT I can see the appropriateness of this  quote for our journeys as well. Either way, you win. Embrace that!

Off to my heater and meditation time! See you soon,

Amanda 😘

    4 Month Sleeve-Aversary

    So here are the stats:

    • HW: 240
    • SW: 230.8 (-9.2)
    • Month 1 (-22)
    • Month 2: (-9.6)
    • Month 3: (-9.2)
    • Month 4: (-7.6)
    • CW: 182.4 (total loss -57.6) 
    • Inches: 
    27.75 Inches…Buu-Bye!

    I am pretty happy about my progress. Surprised about my loss this month, I thought it would be a few pounds more. My other app says -9 lbs down this month, so I am thinking I’m off in the math somewhere in the early months.  But the total is still the same. Next month I won’t have to whip out the calculator since Im using the My Weight app now.  I am THRILLED with the inch loss though. Funny, I finally lost some in my waist! This big ‘ol belly does not want to budge though, does it? 

    I do know I probably had one of the worst months of all in terms of sticking to plan. With the Holidays and making it a point to see my friends more, I know I did not eat as well as I should have. That’s not to say I went nuts, obviously not, but I could have easily slid back into old habits so I’m thankful I at least kept a hold on that. And I’m ‘back on the wagon’ so to speak in terms of nutrition.

    I’ve been diligent about getting my fluids in these last few days to try and abate some of this hunger. It’s helping a little. I was over at a girlfriends house last night and she had this pitcher of water with sliced lemon, lime, and orange floating at the top. Not only was it gorgeous but it was so refreshing! Needless to say I went out and bought the fruit today and sliced it up in a water pitcher. I could drink water like that all day long! If you’re having trouble with your water intake, I highly recommend giving this a try.  

    Seems I am holding a steady pattern of about 9 pounds a month. Hoping for 12-15 this month though. I’m upping my running training and incorporating core and strength more so I don’t see that jump as unreasonable. I’ve got Vegas coming up people- it would be awesome to be in the 160’s by then. 

    So that’s my 4 month update, y’all!  😘

      Hunger Pains

       I’m not sure what happened with my body, but it did not get the memo about not being very hungry and having to ‘make sure’ to eat. It may have to do with the meds I take-one of them has been proven to increase appetite-but man-o-man I get like raging hungry all of the time. Seriously if I don’t eat every 3-4 hours my stomach is literally eating itself! I’m sad about that. I have to admit, it’s been cause to put me in situations where I make a bad choice in food items because the alternative is going several more hours without. Tonight, thank heavens there was a GNC nearby and I ran in and bought one of their cold protein shakes from the cooler.  Crisis averted whew!  But as I sipped (gulped like a fish) my shake on the sidewalk and looked around… Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy’s, Bojangles…

      I counted my lucky stars for the GNC. 

      But it got me thinking. I really need to keep my car or purse stocked with go to items for these occasions which are occurring often because of my busy schedule. I hate protein bars, have not found one yet I don’t need to spit out upon first bite.  Wait, I take that back-none that I’ve purchased. I made a batch of oatmeal protein bars a bit ago and they were pretty good. Just have to cut that recipe in half because it made SO many. And putting that on the grocery list…

      Any other sleevers suffer with raging hunger like I do, post-op? Any advice or good on the go food ideas?