Self Actualization 

“The desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for her to become actualized in what she is potentially”

I met up with an old friend today in the grocery store. Such a beautiful soul and I really miss her dearly. It was wonderful to see her, but I had so much noise going on in my head I didn’t get to really enjoy seeing her again. I was mortified to have her see me. It’s been awhile – about 40#s ago. I was mortified then too. Not that she’s ever known me to be less that in the 190’s, but still. Not that she is even remotely the judgy type either- quite the contrary. But it really made me think about the literal cold sweat I broke into when we saw each other and continued to talk for a bit. 

It really hadn’t dawned on me that I have become a social hermit-so NOT my personality type-because I am truly embarrassed to be seen.  

I agonize over the clothes I’m going to wear- what will be most flattering?- and worry that my weight is speaking louder than I am.  When I meet my husband’s work folks and just know they must be thinking he’s with her?  I worry my kids friends will make fun of them because their mom is so fat.  

The worst is in the gym. I have dialogues with myself on the way to CrossFit every time.  Can I get through today’s WOD without modifying everything? Will I cry trying to push through it tonight-again?  Will I fail?

Total mind fuck is what it is. 

Wtf. Is this what I have let myself become? Since when did my self esteem get so shitty that it is controlling my social interactions with people?  I’m so disappointed in myself as I see this reflection of what I have been doing to myself for a long time. 

It brings me to this concept of self actualization. This basic human need to feel like we meet our potential. If I had doubts about my decision for WLS at all, they were thrown out of the window tonight. I need to meet my potential.  Obviously for mental and emotional health as much as physical health.  

I am so much more determined than excited now. This shit just got really real for me tonight. No way am I letting my weight keep me from life anymore.  

So no more hiding in the ‘demands of my school work’ or whatever other excuses I make to keep myself “safe” from the monsters I make up in my own head. 

Time for my own self actualization. 

“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”