Outside Looking In

I stood looking at myself in the bathroom mirror for quite awhile today. I was imagining myself slender, worried about loose skin, wondering if I can really do this… 

What am I doing? Is this really the tool I am praying for? Been working so hard for and not seeing the results I need? What if this doesn’t work either?  

Then I started to wonder if I can ever really make my outside reflect the inside of me…Amanda. 

Will I finally find that place where I can look in the mirror and be content with myself? That woman I found last year, when my marriage was on the brink and I found a strength in myself I never knew I had.  It took a collapse in life to find myself, but thankfully I did. And I was proud of the woman I found. But I’m not proud of what I see- the woman in the mirror doesn’t match her. 

I’m a smart, forgiving, caring, funny, all-around badass of a woman. I want to finally look on the outside how I feel on the inside. 

Do we all go through that? What was that last straw? For me it wasn’t when I hit rock bottom, but when I climbed my way back up from it.  I think that’s the strength I need to remember going through this, it will work because I will continue to work. 

As I reflect tonight, I realize this might not be the most uplifting of posts, but it’s the true struggle of my current mind squeeze. 

I love reading your stories and journeys, blogger friends. Thank you for sharing your insights and inspirations and experiences. They’re everything.

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