Where Have I Been?

In short that’s what I’d like to know too. In case you’re wondering the why of my awal, let’s just say that I am still….drumroll…dead stuck at 170lbs. Since March. And my one year is just around the corner with 25 lbs left to go.  

After 4 months I got in the dumps and took a nose dive in tracking in MFP, started eating without conscience thought, and haven’t run a mile in 2 months or kickboxed. 

Motivation is sorely needed. That’s all I’ve got for you right now. I haven’t posted because the above shows that I’ve been an epic failure all around since June. Planning to plan is not enough. 

Time to rip the duct-tape off, eh?

Boxing Kicked

The mental battle to get me to the building was real. Thank God I left early because I found myself at two stores first, subconsciously avoiding the clock because hey there’s the “aw man, I am late so I can’t go” self sabotage manipulation shit I do to myself (seriously people, that’s where I’ve been for two months). 

I pulled into the parking lot at the Kickboxing gym about 20 mins early. I sat in the car willing myself to get out. I checked in on Facebook to hold myself even more accountable. If I told my friends I’m here then I better get my ass in there and do it. 

It’s amazing how a two-month hiatus from exercise will set you back. 

I.  Think. I. Died.  

So… I’m going back tomorrow!! 

But I am going to be a little smart about it and go to a yin yoga class in the morning first so I’m a little stretched out from tonight and more nimble for the evening kickboxing class… 

I wouldn’t say I’m back yet, but I definitely took the first step tonight- even if I did it fighting myself the whole way.

My Ending Absence 

Holy cow I did not realize it’s been 56 days since my last post! Nor did I post an 8th month Surgaversary. Well, that one was a pointed decision, as I just couldn’t quite stomach it and wasn’t ready to expose myself over it No loss, no inches, lbs, or otherwise. Momentum halted on all counts.  

The dreaded stall of Spring remains firmly in tact as the Summer begins.  My weight hovers in .1s and .3s…all at the 170 lb display on the scale.  The days I lift my brows in amusement are the ones that linger at the 170.0 marker. No move, up or down. Bemusement has replaced the obsession with the scale, a locked up sense of terror, and a general apathy towards food. 

See, before surgery I fought and fought hard, to overcome the addiction of eating, even more intensely as my medicine demanded constant fulfillment. I would see no progress and fall of into a binge. Viscous circle of failure.  The patterns beckon me now as I see the stalemate move my scale plays every morning. I thank God that the scale is not moving up, but can’t help but to fight the battle of addiction and craving still.

I can’t tell my tale right now that would possibly enlighten others or even help them, I am obviously not winning the battles in my head and it shows in my lack of progress on the scale. What do I have to offer you, who seek guidance or connection to your journey  too?   

Therapy tells me I am going through “cycling”, high highs and low lows, and time and fighting through until I level out is all I can do. 

I will run tomorrow, my first run in over a month. Send me prayers I can get out of my rut so motivation can find me again. Looking at perceived failure every morning tends to chip away your motivation, so I have decided not to even look at the scale for awhile. Let’s hope this tactic works. 

In the meantime my fellow VSGers-keep rocking it and be super proud of your small and large successes. They matter to your mental health and keep you moving forward. 

I will not go 56 days again. It’s honesty I have and it’s what you’ll get. Even if I don’t want to share, I will. 

Mantras

My personal mantras as of now, thought I’d share:

  • You’re not hungry, you’re thirsty. 
  • You’re not hungry, you’re bored. 
  • I want those carbs!  Eat a protein.
  • I want those sweets! Drink a protein shake or eat a Popsicle.
  • I want a nap! Go run 3 miles. 
  • Get on the scale! Fuck the scale. 

Seriously I am placing post-it notes with these everywhere so I can see them!

    Nope, Not happening

    It’s 8:30p and I just want to go to bed. That’s me in a nutshell for the last week. Motivation? What’s that? Oh, and food? Gimme! 

    Yes, my upped-dose meds have kicked in and buddy, it’s a big damn difference. And I am not liking it not one single bit. Not happening. Not going down like this. Done. 

    I officially dropped my meds back down last night. It will take a week or two to get back to where I was, unfortunately. The hope is that the manic goes out the window with the rest. 

    I haven’t gained any weight – which truth be told is a miracle because I am constantly starving. Trying to stuff my face with protein and fruit, but I promise I’m only winning half of that battle. I have run or KB all week. Oh I’ve gotten ready, dressed-hair up-but nope. Started a couple of times then just stopped. I don’t have it IN me. So hard to explain. It’s like you’re a walking zombie who’s hungry all of the time. 

    I was afraid of this exactly. And like I told my BFF tonight-my gut instinct has never, ever been wrong. Proven over and over again, it never fails to be right. Why didn’t I listen this time? I should never have done this. But I thought, it’s for the greater good! Bullshit. I’m still in manic- only now I’m also a cast member for the Walking Dead – with peanut butter on a spoon in my hand! 

    The Stall from Hell

    170. A number I have begun to LOATHE with all that is in me. 

    Every. Single. Morning. 170 stares back up at me from the digits on my scale monitor. What are we on, like 2 months now?!

    I happened to break it ONE day to 169.6 – I was elated! Literally danced around my bathroom like I just won the Power 5 or something. Yes, I finally broke the 170’s!!!  It lasted only that day. The next day I was 170.2 or some shit like that. Again. 

    I’m elated that it’s not going up, for certain. But my body IS shifting itself around–weight is re-distributing itself WVERYWHERE. As an example, I find the top of my “back fat” is gone now but then I have a complete spare tire above my belly button now. It’s so weird. I don’t feel like I’m losing inches this month- I’m still in a perfect size 12. Not getting any looser or tighter. Just comfortable. Still in a medium top…I just want to lose 25 more pounds. 25! And I’m working so HARD! 

    So I post this to whine, for sure, but to also show my fellow VSG-ers, stalls are very real.  You WILL have them.  And while they can be very discouraging, we (including me) MUST remember that we just have to keep rockin’ n Rollin’.  Our bodies will get there, maybe just not as fast as our minds want them to.

    In the mean time, 170 can take a back seat to the 160’s – please and thank you. 

    -Xoxo

    The “Weight” of my dilemma

    So I have shared through this forum the very private issue of my Being Bipolar. Rapid-cycling BP1, to be clinically correct. 

    So I went to see my doctor for my medicine check-up and scripts last week. Quite on accident, I hadn’t seen him since just after surgery, so like 6 months. Honestly I guess it was because my scripts didn’t run out so I didn’t think about making an appointment.  

    After a lengthy question and answer session, he looked me square in the eyes and said “do you realize you’re in manic right now and seemingly have been for at least the last couple of months from what I can tell. Why haven’t you called me?!”  Ummm…

    I mean, I knew I definitely was for a few weeks there right after I finished school, and I suppose looking backwards for the last few I can totally see it now, but I just didn’t realize it. I thought I had leveled out since February. It’s not an easy, or even natural, thing to do a self check…“hmmm I wonder if I’m in manic, normal, or hypo-manic today?”  I mean WHO does that, for real? Even my husband knew something was off but didn’t automatically think “oh she must be in manic”. But like me, looking at it reflectively the light bulb went on for him. 

    Great. 

    So why do I bring this up here? Weellll, the doctor has ordered an increase of my med dosages. Have I mentioned one of my meds causes massive weight gain? Yes, I know I have, as my fear is that it will/does impact my weight loss. So what to do?! 

    I have contemplated following doctors orders for almost a week now, without taking my upped amount. To be more than honest it’s for two reasons. 

    1. I like my manic. In a way. I know that sounds quite F’d up but listen, in some ways it makes me a highly productive/functional individual. I’m a machine in manic! When I was first diagnosed and found the right Rx cocktail and ‘lost’ my manic, I swear to you I mourned for months. Obviously there are a thousand reasons why manic is BAD but for this one reason I really, really missed it. 
    2. Weight gain. It’s very very real. And very dramatic. I think the average weight gain stats were +40lbs. Average people. And no, another med is not an option. The only one that doesn’t cause weight gain is a no-no for me. It was my first med prescribed and it was a BAD, very bad experience. 

    So I have thought very seriously about this. As of last night’s swallow I took the new higher dose. BUT this is ONLY until I level out and IF I don’t start gaining weight. Then I will go back to my regular dose. Manic be damned. 

    This has been very heavy on my shoulders all week… I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it’s bad enough that this is all happening in the midst of my weight loss stall

    7 Month Sleevaversary 

    The results are in and it’s clear I’ve reached a stall of epic proportions. I’m not even going to try and sugar coat it – I am scared. 

    So the last three months have seen very slow progress in terms of the scale- but the inches were totally coming off. 

    This month? Neither are shaking out.  At all. Have I reached my bottom? But I still have 25 lbs to go! This can’t be happening yet!!

    -2.6 lbs this month-that’s it! And I’ve only lost .75 inches, but somehow put 2 inches back on my waist! Now, I am wondering if my torso is just shaking itself out because I now only have just the slightest hint of back-fat, whereas last month I still had a roll to go. So maybe it’s just moving down…??

    Truth be told, I know I have to get myself back into gear when it comes to protein/water/calorie intake–I’m just not getting enough of either every day and I know this. I must cut carbs back too. I’ve put my exercise into high gear but my diet has some work to do, for sure. 

    I have got to get it together totally and all around if I am to meet my goal. Let’s see if I can break this stall before my next month weigh-in…

    🙏😭😔

    Bu-Bye Crossfit

    So I did Crossfit for about a year and a half before I had surgery. I absolutely despised it the entire time. Quite honestly I think the only reason I did it at all was because it was something my husband and I did together. 

    We’re talking anxiety attacks and yes, sobbing, on the way to the box almost every time. Many times I cried during Crossfit too. I thought it had to be my weight and because I was trying to sling around 240 lbs that’s why it made me so miserable. 

    So I thought/hoped that maybe now it might not be bad-that because I’ve lost all of this weight it wouldn’t just totally suck anymore. Plus it was still something my husband and I could do together. He doesn’t run at all so it’s not like that was an option. So I (thank God) IM’d the Crossfit coach and was straight with him. Said I was anxious about coming back and signing a contract, only to realize I still f’g hated it. So he told me I could just do a punch card first and then at the end of the month see what’s up. Ok, I can handle that…

    So I went April 1st. Dreaded it the whole day. Hated everything about it while I was doing it and my outlook was grim after I was finished. Crap. 

    I need to add something more to my exercise than just running and yoga-but I’m really not disciplined to do strength trianing from an app or Pinterest–what in the world was I going to do?

    One golden nugget fell into my lap as we waited for the Crossfit class to begin that night. One of the ladies was talking about how she had done this and that and everything was just too Boring for her. Then I heard her mention ‘the kickboxing gym in (my town)’. I think I knocked someone over as I reeled around with great interest in finding out more about this kickboxing gym. Here? We have a real kickboxing gym close by? Apparently we do. And I was vera, vera excited about that!! I did real kickboxing in late Highschool and loved it. Then we moved to GA after I graduated and I have just never found one that was the real deal anywhere near me so didn’t get back into it. So of course the next opportunity I got I stopped into said gym. They do kickboxing, muiy tai (sp?) kickboxing, boxing and Crossfit. You’re not limited to days you can go or which activity – you can do CF then walk right over and do the kickboxing class then stay for open gym, 6 days a week! And it’s only $20 more a month! 

    I took my first class to make sure they were the real deal – no gi and lots of sweat. I swiped my card right after class was over. And every time I go I am so excited and pumped to get there and do it. This is what I needed- this is not only motivation, but a hella workout and the best one-on-one personal trianing I’ve ever seen. I am in love! So running-check. Yoga-check. Now kickboxing-check! So freaking excited! I’m bruised and blistered and starting to get a little calloused, and I’m sore like I should be using all of these muscles in new ways so I know the results are sure to come. 

    Moral of the story – find the workouts that get you jazzed. Don’t fit yourself into a box that you think you should be in to get a workout in. 

    On the running front, I am making HUGE progress. 6 months ago I was running a 16:30 average mile. Now I’m doing under 13! I’m almost there to goal – May 21 is the Big Day–the 1st goal race. Running the entire race without stopping to walk at all. I’m close. So close. Getting better every time. Still not getting over 10 miles a week like I want to but I’m getting 8-9 miles… Not too far off. I don’t get nervous before a run anymore. I’m not interval trianing anymore either. Just the MMR app that tells me pace and distance as I go and then logs it in my history. 

    Yoga in the mornings, running in the afternoon (as many days as work allows) and kickboxing in the evening (as many days as kid’s sports allow). Here I come healthy!! 

    My 7 month sleevaversary is Saturday. Husband has a Warrior Dash obstacle race the afternoon and then I have a 5k that night so I think Sunday we’ll do measurements. Let’s see where I’m at…  

    Xoxo